Monday, December 21, 2015

The Phantom Channel Listings for Christmas Day, December 25, 2015!

As a wise man once said, what’s good for Halloween is good for Christmas, too!

I’m pretty sure nobody ever said that.

Regardless, I’m going to prove that odd phrase true today by recycling a concept that I used for 31 Days of Halloween – my own personal TV Guide-style schedule! What follows is my ideal twenty-four hours of programming for Christmas Day, from the wee hours of the morning when Santa visits to the discovery of the loot to the Christmas dinner that feels like an oddly recycled Thanksgiving meal to the late night eggnog and rum infused struggle to hang on to the last hours of the most gleeful and carefree day of the year.

These are the programs that I would most like to have accompanying me and my family throughout this magical day. Obviously there are some time gaps due to varying run times. Just imagine these are filled with seasonal commercials for McDonald’s, Coca-Cola, Toys R Us, and H&R Block.

Yes, H&R Block. They start promoting early for tax season.

Morning

6:00 – Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – Animated – Burl Ives
Rankin-Bass tells the story of how a young reindeer came to lead Santa’s sleigh and save Christmas. (55 min.)

7:00 – The Nightmare Before Christmas – Animated – Chris Sarandon, Catherine O’ Hara
Dissatisfied with his lot in life, Halloween ghoul Jack Skellington attempts to steal Christmas from Sandy Claws. Er, Santa Claus. (76 min.)

8:30 – The Muppet Christmas Carol – Family – Michael Caine, Steve Whitmire
The Muppets perform their version of Dickens’ tale. (86 min.)

10:00 – Home Alone – Family – Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci
When Kevin McAllister’s mother utterly fails at her responsibilities, the boy is left behind to defend his home from two criminals on Christmas. (103 min.)

Afternoon

12:00 – The Facts of Life “Christmas in the Big House”
Blair unknowingly plans a charity event at a prison! (24 min.)

12:30 – 227 “Mary’s Christmas” - Comedy
The church is moving and it doesn’t look like they’ll be done in time for the Christmas pageant! (22 min.)

1:00 – The Golden Girls “’Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas” - Comedy
Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia are held hostage by a desperate Santa Claus. (22 min.)

1:30 – Amen “The Deacon’s Donkey” – Comedy
Ernest takes over running the Christmas pageant and has to deal with the star getting sick. (24 min.)

2:00 – he Six Million Dollar Man “A Bionic Christmas Carol” – Action
Co. Steve Austin uses his bionic abilities to bring joy to a curmudgeon. (60 min.)

3:00 – The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy “Billy & Mandy Save Christmas” – Animated
Santa Claus is turned into a vampire and only Billy & Mandy can save the day! (22 min.)

3:30 – Earthworm Jim “For Whom the Jingle Bell Tolls” – Animated
The evil Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Stinky, Pus-filled, Malformed, Slug-For-A-Butt tries to brainwash Santa Claus and Jim, Peter Puppy, and Princess What’s-Her-Name must save the day! (23 min.)

4:00 – X-Men “Have Yourself A Morlock Little X-Mas” – Animated
Storm and Wolverine try to bring Christmas joy to the sewer-dwelling Morlocks. (21 min.)

4:30 – The New Batman Adventures “Holiday Knights” – Animated
It’s Christmas in Gotham City and all of her inhabitants deal with it in different ways. (30 min.)

4:00 – ALF “ALF’s Special Christmas” – Comedy
Separated from the Tanners, ALF discovers the true meaning of Christmas. (47 min.)

5:00 – Elf – Comedy – Wil Ferrell, James Caan
Buddy the Elf searches for his birth father, spreads Christmas joy all over New York City, and saves Christmas. Possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. (96 min.)

Evening

7:00 – Regular Show “The Christmas Special”
Mordecai and Rigby discover an injured Santa Claus in the park garage and must destroy the present that could end Christmas forever. (22 min.)

7:30 – A Charlie Brown Christmas – Animated
Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and the Peanuts gang celebrate Christmas. (25 min.)

8:00 – Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town – Animated – Fred Astaire, Mickey Rooney
The classic Rankin-Bass story of Santa Claus. (51 min.)

9:00 – National Lampoons’ Christmas Vacation – Comedy – Chevy Chase, Beverly D’Angelo
Clark Griswold risks life and sanity to make sure his family has the best Christmas ever. (96 min.)

11:00 – Scrooged – Comedy – Bill Murray, Karen Allen
A dark and hilarious update of Charles Dickens’ classic tale of redemption. (101 min.)

Late Night

1:00 – Gremlins – Horror – Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates
Billy Peltzer learns a valuable lesson about following the rules. (106 min.)

3:00 – Batman Returns – Action – Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer
Batman murders a bunch of circus performers and a Donald Trump analog pushes a crazy cat lady out of a window. (126 min.)

5:30 – Batman: The Brave and the Bold “Invasion of the Secret Santas!” – Animated
Red Tornado and Batman both learn important things about Christmas whilst battling evil robot Santas.(23 min.)

You might have noticed the absence of one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time, A Christmas Story. I am somewhat loathe to admit this, but I am not a fan. I won’t go into too much detail, as that might actually make for an interesting post, but I haven’t watched that thing in years and I don’t intend to any time soon.

Unless I think it would make for another post.

I hope you decide to watch a couple of these selections and maybe even put together a viewing schedule of your own. Be sure to join the Needless Things Podcast Facebook Group and share your own festive Christmas viewing schedules. We’d love to hear from you!

This might be the last thing I post before Christmas, so I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for checking into Needless Things whenever and however you do. Some changes are coming in the new year, many of which have yet to be determined. I trust you’ll stick around and see what happens. In the meantime, I wish each and every one of you merry Christmas and happy Holidays and the very best in the year to come.


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