Thursday, September 12, 2013

Dragon Con 2013: Le Sexoflex: The Happy Ending

WARNING: Most of the images beyond the jump are not fit for viewing by most mortals.

There’s not much that could persuade me to leave Dragon Con. As I’ve said many times – my favorite kind of getaway is a literal getaway. Where I can immerse myself in a different world or environment as far away from reality as I can get. Dragon con is pretty good for that, as you can hang out with 50,000 like-minded folks inside of hotels for four days with minimal exposure to the gross streets of Buttlanta outside.
But when Le Sexoflex puts out the call to Phantom Troublemaker that they are having their last show and want him there; you better believe I’ll go. And besides, if a Le Sexoflex show isn’t an escape from reality I really don’t know what else is.
The only other time I have left Dragon Con early was when I had a kidney stone in 2008. That was some serious shit. This was even more seriouser.
As soon as the Earth Station Who panel was over at 11 PM I raced out of the Sheraton and asked one of the attendants which cab company would rip me off the least. He said any of the taxis in front of the hotel should charge about ten bucks to get to the Drunken Unicorn. Fair enough. Twenty bucks round trip was going to be a small price to pay to see the Most Important Event in the History of the Universe.
I hopped into the first cab I saw, told the driver where I needed to go, and then had to look up the address on my phone. I thought that was pretty weird. You’d think those guys would be prepared to go places just by name, especially downtown. Or would have their own method of looking such things up. As it was I had to struggle against the shitty signal strength that had been going on all weekend and take a good five or so minutes to give the guy an address. Bu then we were on our way.
The cab dropped me off in the parking lot and I was immediately accosted by a group of young college dudes. See, I had just worn this to go to the show:
Because it’s Dragon Con weekend and it’s Le Sexoflex and why not?
But I realized when I got to that parking lot that “why not?” could very well be “Because some group of young drunkards might decide it would be fun to beat the shit out of the wacky masked guy.” Fortunately for me they just wanted to get a picture with me. Lord knows where that’s going to end up.
I was disappointed to hear the unmistakably sexy sounds of Le Sexoflex when I got to the door of the Drunken Unicorn. I asked the door guy how long they had been on and he said three songs. Could’ve been worse. I do distinctly remember that they were in the middle of “Fashion Fucker”. I was standing in front of the set list the whole show and now I really wish I had taken a picture of it. Just to know what I’d missed. And also because set list pictures are cool.
Before I get any further, I want to clarify something – I will be using the word “gay” an awful lot over the next several paragraphs. I am not using this as a pejorative. I am using it because it is the best term possible to describe most of what I saw the night of August 31st, 2013 in the Drunken Unicorn. I’ll be using the word in its best, most entertaining and – pardon me – fabulous meaning. There’s just no other word. If you’ve been following my adventures here on Needless Things for any amount of time then you know I have spent a few nights in an East Atlanta gay bar called Mary’s.
Mary’s is about half as gay as The Happy Ending.
When I turned the corner into the main showroom of the Drunken Unicorn, I was greeted by a stage full of sights that I should have been well prepared for, but simply wasn’t. Even with the excesses and visual delights of Dragon Con so fresh in my mind, I simply wasn’t ready for this:
Now, obviously Miss Lady Flex is a glorious sight to behold, but when you realize that she and Peep Peep are wrapped in a sparkling material very much like one of my own wrestling masks it’s a bit overwhelming. Then throw in the road warrior with the bright red mohawk and matching red briefs dancing around beside a ferocious-looking drag queen and you’re talking circus-level wackiness.
Then I caught sight of Princess Genius (on the left).
Now, I try not to be too terribly blatant about my proclivities here. But I feel like for the sake of proper recounting of The Happy Ending I can be a little more specific. Tiny redheads are a weakness of mine. Tiny redheads with British accents in skimpy, glistening spandex costumes that are part of the funniest and dirtiest band in the world quite frankly make my knees go weak. And I had never actually seen PG in person before. The effect on me was somewhat akin to if I looked directly into the sun and it said, “Hey, man – Macho Man Randy Savage was the greatest.”
But I had to get over all of that because there was a show to watch and pictures to take. I kind of didn’t want to take pictures. I just wanted to enjoy the show. But this I felt like this was one of the biggest events I would probably ever write about and I knew I would want to do it justice. I did decide I wouldn’t record any video (but I did get one song anyway; I had to – you’ll see).
Side Note: I don’t know where this Needless Things gig will take me and I would imagine that someday I will likely have the opportunity to cover some fairly major and important events. But The Happy Ending was very personal and important to me. Le Sexoflex are some of the sweetest, fun, and most talented people I have ever had the privilege of meeting and they have been super awesome to me since day one. I cannot reiterate enough that I simply do not leave Dragon Con. But when I found out this was their last gig there was no question that I had to be there. For a bit of history of me and the band, check out my other posts and Episode 3 of the Needless Things Podcast:


I am not a guy that typically goes up front at shows, but I shoved my way up front as politely as I could. I didn’t leave that spot for the entirety of the show, despite the fact that I was stone sober. With the schedule I had on Saturday evening I just hadn’t had time to drink. My plan had been to get shitfaced at the show, but once I got that sweet spot at the front of the stage I just couldn’t leave. So not only did I witness the gayest things I had ever seen in my life, I did it absolutely clear-headed.
I likened the show to a circus and that is probably the most apt comparison that could be made. It was like a large-scale show squeezed into a tiny venue. Every song had choreography and backup dancers in varying states of undress and arousal. There were costume changes, props, and guest stars. I hope somebody got the whole thing on video because I would gladly pay for a copy. I don’t know that I have ever seen such a variety of silliness all in the same place.
A couple of songs after I arrived I was treated to a track I hadn’t heard before. Several of the backup dancers – who had costume changes almost every song, even if it was only to switch banana hammocks – ran onto the stage in squirrel costumes and started throwing nuts into the audience. The song was about how squirrels rule the world. I’m sure there’s a subtext in there somewhere about the US Government’s control of the drug cartels and method of creating conflict on foreign lands in order to consolidate power and bring about the eventual New World Order.
Or maybe it was just about squirrels.
I wasn’t able to see Rica Shay’s opening performance, but I did at least get to see the guy live. Aside from surprising me with the fact that he looked vaguely like Jesse Pinkman, he was just as good in person as he is on The Naughty Contest. He came out to perform Piggy with Peep Peep and while it was super-duper gay, it was not the gayest thing that happened all night. Despite Rica Shay and Peep Peep riding mostly naked dudes with pig masks on:
Side Note: Rica Shay is a really fucking good rapper. I want to hear more of his stuff, but I’m just not sure I can handle a whole set of songs with the same general themes as Piggy. I will check it out and let you know what’s up. Because that’s what I do.
The ladies returned to the stage next, complete with accessories that made the next song abundantly clear – “Juiceboxxx”. I am not always quick on the uptake, so there were a few things that I missed here – 1) When Miss Lady Flex got off of the stage to go into the audience I probably should have helped her down, 2) I think the intent here was for audience members to sip on the aforementioned juice boxes and I don’t think anybody did. I feel slightly bad about not doing so, but I am married and would never do such a thing while sober, 3) I also should have probably helped Miss Lady Flex back up on stage.
This was for “She Cold”:
I could not stop laughing the whole time, especially when they all switched spots and Princess Genius ended up outside of the… whatever that is. I call that a win because we got a couple of extra minutes of visible PG.
4) I should have immediately recognized what was going on with the next song and started recording video, but you just don’t even understand how melted my brain already was by this point. I had no idea what preposterous silliness could be coming next as the show went on. So take just a second now and see if you can guess what song is next:
Got it? No? How about now:
I still didn’t. I was all in, “Holy shit! Miss Lady Flex makes a great Daenerys and Game of Thrones is awesome and those are some really wacky dragon costumes but of course they’re dragons because Mother of Dragons,” mode.
Also – VAS D!!!!!!!!:
It took the opening beats of the song for me to get it and finally hit the Record button on my camera, only it didn’t start recording the first time and I had to press it again and that’s why we’re already so far into the song for this video:
So good. I apologize for the fact that you can hear me singing along in parts. I couldn’t help myself. I did that most of the night.
In the midst of an onstage costume change Miss Lady Flex commented that you get to an age where you just don’t care what your butt looks like in front of a crowd of people. Don’t worry, Lady. It looked lovely. I did restrain myself from taking a picture, though. I am sort of halfway a gentleman.
Next up was a spooky performance of Le Sexoflex’s ode to necrophilia – “Necrosex”. That must have killed poor Peep Peep’s knees. You’d think if there was one thing that would definitely be on hand for a Le Sexoflex show, it would be kneepads.
I don’t have the words to describe what happened when Master Dong stepped in to replace DJ Homosexual on stage. I do have the pictures, though:
Then “Twincest”:
And the classic “Poop on Face”:
At some point they performed "Great Gatsby", which I think is where Miss Lady Flex worked in a shout out to me with the "We need some more ________ in here," part. She said "We need some more luchadors in wrestling masks in here," or something to that effect. I know I should remember it more clearly, but my brain was busy bursting into fizzy bubbles of delirious joy.
After which DJ Homosexual returned to the stage to clearly indicate that despite the fact that all of the spandex-clad sex symbols had left the stage, the big gay show was far from over. As a matter of fact, the gayest of gay was about to commence.
I did not take any pictures of what happened next because despite my need to document and remember this spectacular occasion I simply couldn’t bring myself to photograph it. The images are burned into my brain for the rest of my existence. Because what happened next was the Gayest Thing I Have Ever seen. Much, much gayer than if I had actually watched one man put his cock in another man’s butt or even mouth.
Side Note: I understand this is an odd distinction to make, but I think there can be a certain level of denial with the buttsex. I’m not saying buttsex is anything other than buttsex, but when you’ve got a cock in your mouth that’s all that’s going on. You can’t like, read a book or watch TV or something. There’s a whole different level of commitment there.
The song was “Gym Shorts”. This is actually a very sexy track, as it is Miss Lady Flex singing about her appreciation for dicks:
I can see your dick in your track pants
I can see your dick in your sweats
Your dick is up inside of me
Your dick is making me wet”
Pretty hot, right?
But it’s all about context. And when a cadre of hyperactive dudes is on stage doing pelvic thrusts and “twerking” and stripping their clothes off while the ferocious drag queen from earlier is standing right next to you screaming, “WORK!” at the top of her lungs every 2.8 seconds to the point where you’re a little concerned she’s going to have a stroke and it’s the eighteen minute extended mix of the song; well, the context is a little fucking different.
Yes, I could have taken this opportunity to go to the bar and get a drink. But I did not want to lose my spot.
Eventually that ordeal ended and Miss Lady Flex came back on stage pretty much naked to share her final journal entry:
And then everybody else joined her and they performed the final live Le Sexoflex song ever – “I Like Your Booty (But I’m Not Gay)”. I didn’t get a picture, but Peep Peep did some sort of amazing dance freak out in the middle of this number. Like much of what happened that night it defies description, but it is the most energetic movement I have ever seen.
And then it was over.
I went back and bought t-shirts for me and Mrs. Troublemaker, as well as a set of buttons and a couple of cum rags. My shirt is too small, but it’s green and purple so I couldn’t very well pass it up:
Miss Lady Flex was walking around after the show, so I found her and gave her a hug. We talked a bit, but I didn’t want to monopolize her time – there were plenty of other people wanting that last bit of Le Sexoflex. I also went backstage to thank Vas D and Peep Peep for being so fucking awesome. Princess Genius wasn’t back there, which was probably for the best. I’m pretty sure I would have just acted like a big goober if I’d met her.
The Happy Ending was one hundred percent satisfying. The Sexxxiest Band in the Whole Muthafuckin’ World went out with not a bang, but a big, sloppy, wet sploosh. The show was like nothing I’ve ever seen before and I can’t imagine I’ll see anything like it again. The people that were up on that stage came together and made something special and unique that’s pure magic and I’ll always love them for that.
And then I had to get back to Dragon Con, so come on back tomorrow for what should have been my Dragon Con coverage’s Happy Ending. Turns out I have two more podcasts to post, so we’ll be cruising into next week, as well.
And for those of you who have been enjoying Kalan’s Best Cartoon Ever (of the month); don’t worry – we’ll be posting it next Friday. September’s cartoon is The Centurions and the lady has been working hard on it. I got to see a little bit of the post already and it’s great stuff.
-Phantom

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