Friday, June 14, 2013

Guest Post: Making An Entrance (in wrestling) by Joe Crowe

Pro wrestling is awesome. If you forgot or (sadly) never knew why, the answer can be expressed in two words: Theme songs. Everyone in real life must strive to obtain awesomeness, but classic-era pro wrestlers are already there, with neon colors, sequined robes, facepaint, and musical tour-de-forces such as these.

Hillbilly Jim

A pro wrestler singing his own theme song pushes the excellence to dangerous levels. “Don’t Go Messin’ With A Country Boy” is a predecessor to LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out.” It’s a song, and a warning.


Junkyard Dog

This is the most romantic of pro wrestling theme songs. JYD instructed listeners to begin a loving, committed relationship by grabbing ass.

Nikolai Volkoff

Nikolai Volkoff, the Iron Sheik, and Classy Freddie Blassie were master-class instructors in Pro Wrestling 101: How To Get A Crowd To Hate You.

Road Warriors

The Road Warriors came to the ring to Black Sabbath’s totally great song “Iron Man,” and that was the greatest. But they also did a “Super Bowl Shuffle” style song.  Two guys who almost murdered every job guy they wrestled also conquered the world of singing.

The best thing in the video is how furious they look while singing. I hope afterward they bashed the video director with a spike from their black metal shoulder pads.

Ron Simmons

WCW tried so hard to be like the WWF. Some of those tries were not what you would call great. But then they made “WCW Slam Jam,” pro wrestling theme songs that were, at the same time, terrifying and terrific.

Every “Slam Jam” theme mentions, in musical form, the wrestler’s hometown and finishing move. Your arguments are irrelevant.

Dusty Rhodes


Guys with weight issues dancing on pro wrestling was done first by “American Dream” Dusty Rhodes. And he’s not even that big a dude. This song has what sounds like cowbell, far earlier than Christopher Walken insisted on more of it. I present to you Dusty Rhodes: Comedy innovator.

Million Dollar Man

No theme song is easier to remember. It has one word. It has only one line of lyrics. The rest is Ted Dibiase doing a touching spoken-word performance.

The Million Dollar Man’s theme song is hauntingly beautiful.

Slick

You will not be able to get this song out of your head. It may become your own theme song. Slick sets the bar pretty high with “Jive Soul Bro.” It sums up and encapsulates everything great about wrestling. It’s a bad-guy manager singing about how terrible a person he is.

Fabulous Freebirds


Michael “P.S.” Hayes is a multifaceted performer. He moonwalks. He cares for a flowing mane of golden hair. He sings about how visitors to the hairy, sweaty home area of himself and his tag team partners will be treated shabbily.

Exotic Adrian Street


Exotic Adrian Street got it before anyone else got it. Wrestlers who sing their theme songs are an elite group. He did a whole album, and music videos for songs that will make your cup runneth over.

Seek out “I’m In Love With Me,” and “There’s Something Very Strange About A Cowboy.” But first, well up with joy at “Imagine What I Could Do To You.”


 -Joe

Joe Crowe is the grand poobah of sci-fi commentary and comedy site RevolutionSF.com, (twitter @revolutionsf) and the classic sci-fi TV and movie track director at DragonCon (facebook.com/americanscificlassics).

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