Monday, October 15, 2012

31 Days of Halloween: Happy Anniversary, Mrs. Troublemaker!

Seven years ago today I made my wife the luckiest woman in the world.
Well, I guess she’d tell you that moment came two years and twelve days later when our son was born, but I’m sure October 15, 2005 is a close second.
           If I had to choose one person to hang out with, it would be Mrs. Troublemaker. If I were stuck on a desert island, I wouldn’t choose her to be with me because she’d fucking hate it. That’s how much I love her.
I wouldn’t change anything about my life since I met this woman. Okay, well, I’d probably make it so the house never flooded. And I might go back and fix the lottery. But you know what I mean. I love this lady and I want to be with her always. She’s the best.
We have watched countless horror movies and shows together of many varying degrees of quality. Every year we both look forward to October and the month of spooky fun it brings. Ever since we met we anticipate that first trip to the Halloween store. The two years we visited Walt Disney World during their Halloween festivities are probably the best trips I’ve ever had. We used to throw the best Halloween parties, but stopped because we both got pissy about people not wearing costumes.
Side Note: Anybody that throws a Halloween party spends countless hours and at least a couple hundred dollars inviting you into their home to have a good time. You’ve got to have some fucking nerve to show up without a costume, and I think it should be law that if you do, everybody at the party gets to piss on you. And then throw your fucking lame ass out.
Together, me and the missus have covered our house in horror movie posters, Disney villains, Living Dead Dolls, and all manner of genre décor. Heck, for our engagement pictures we painted our faces, dressed in all black, and hung out with a skull and some tombstones.
This lady not only tolerates my expensive toy habit, she often encourages it.
We don’t love all the same stuff and we don’t always agree about what sucks and what doesn’t. But we’re both okay with not agreeing. I couldn’t ask for a better person to spend the rest of my life with.
Now I just hope she reads this for once.
Phantom Troublemaker vs. 31 Days of Halloween
If you’re new here or haven’t been keeping up, this is where I give my thoughts on SyFy’s “31 days of Halloween” programming. Obviously I haven’t seen everything I’ll be talking about, but that’s kind of what the internet is all about – talking out of your ass.
 
Each day I will cover the schedule from the time my post goes live (usually 11 AM) through the following 24 hours. On Fridays I will cover the whole weekend, which is a huge pain in the ass but also kind of fun.

Enjoy!

11:00 AM – 12:00 PM – Paranormal Witness – “The Apartment” – as much as I sometimes miss the simplicity of apartment living, I think realistically you are much more likely to have a horrible experience in an apartment. My closest brush with the supernatural came when I was living by myself in the last apartment I was in. I fell asleep on the couch – as I often did – and was awakened by toys falling off of the shelves and the entire place shaking. I actually thought somebody was lifting the couch off of the floor and shaking it. More specifically, I thought aliens were lifting the couch up off the floor. I was positive I was being taken away. If you haven’t read it here before, I have a big problem with aliens. There’s nothing I’m more scared of than greys. And I thought they had come to get me. It turned out it was just an earthquake, but that shit freaked me out.
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – 4
12:00 PM – 3:00 PM – The Devil’s Advocate – Okay, SyFy. There are thousands of horror movies to choose from. I don’t pretend to understand the ins and outs of programming a cable network, but I have to think you could avoid this. Especially considering you just played it a few days ago and this movie isn’t even all that Halloweeny in the first place. Still, Al Pacino as Satan isn’t bad.
Halloween score – 2
Quality score – 3
3:00 PM – 5:30 PM – The Village***SPOLIER ALERT!*** This movie blows.
Halloween score – 2
Quality score – 1
5:30 PM – 8:00 PM – The Mist – This movie, on the other hand, is totally rad. But they just fucking showed it the other day. They could at least show the black and white version. It’s better. No – seriously. Check it out if you can.
Halloween score – 5
Quality score – 5
8:00 PM – 9:00 PM – Alphas – The new ads look very exciting, what with all the explosions and Sean Astin. But I just can’t care.
Halloween score - 2
Quality score – 2
9:00 PM – 11:30 PM – Blade II – Awesome movie. I still find it odd that Guillermo del Toro directed this one. For a long time it was my favorite of the trilogy, but now I think I like the other two more. Not sure why. I probably need to sit down and watch them all again.
Halloween score - 5
Quality score – 4
11:30 PM – 12:30 AM – Alphas – A replay of the 8 PM episode.
Halloween score - 2
Quality score – 2

WEDNESDAY
12:30 AM – 2:30 AM – Ghost Voyage – Not to be confused with Ghost Ship, which I actually like a whole lot – enough to have bought it. Oddly, somebody seems to have copied Ghost Voyage’s entire script to Wikipedia, word-for-word:
The plot deals with nine strangers, most of whom are engaged in criminal and/or morally questionable acts, who wake up on an abandoned cargo ship with no memory of how they arrived there. The ship's steward soon appears and explains "the rules" to them: First, do not breach any closed doors. Second, do not enter the captain's quarters. Third, do not refuse any orders from a member of the crew. And don't smoke. The unfortunate passengers soon find out that the ship is haunted by malevolent spirits and that they've all been brought there for some mysterious reason. The spirits take those who have committed greater sins (i.e. murder, adultery, drugs, etc.).
Most of the seven strangers die because they broke a rule. The first is a convict who smokes. He is attacked by a ghost and is thrown into hell. The second is a drug addict. He refused an order from the steward and has the life sucked out of him. Next, a producer and actress enter the captain's quarters. The actress becomes a ghost and the producer is murdered. Finally, when two more convicts breach a closed door, they set the door on fire and a demon forms from the fire, killing them both.
The remaining 3 learn that they are actually dead. The steward congratulates them for not breaking any rules, and then explains what is happening. Working together, the three retrieve the funeral boat on the cargo ship and set sail. More demons attempt to kill them. After one of them is sucked to hell, the others manage to get to land. They have no memory of the events on the ship. The last scene shows the steward explaining the rules to the next set of strangers, implying a continuous cycle of hell and death.

Halloween score – 5
Quality score – 3
2:30 AM – 4:00 AM – Scare Tactics – I would much rather see Tracy Morgan doing this:
Halloween score – 5
Quality score – 2
4:00 AM – 8:00 AM – Paid Programming
Oh, paid programming
You made Sharktopus happen
For that I love you
Halloween score – 1
Quality score – 5
8:00 AM – 11:00 AM – Ghost Hunters
Look out! It’s a ghost!
Oh no, wait, it’s just the wind
My life is a fail
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – 1

Come back tomorrow for what may initially seem like kind of a cheat until you think about how you would react if a blue body builder with furry underpants and a green skull for a head and a dragon chained to his back started chasing you. Think about that.

-Phantom




4 comments:

  1. Congratulations! By my math, though, your wedding was 5 years ago?
    Don't tell Mrs. Troublemaker "I know we've been together for 5 years, but it feels like 7."

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    Replies
    1. I originally had that phrased differently and forgot to change the year. Fixed.

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  2. 107 years by my count! ;) -Mrs. Troublemaker

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