(Top picture courtesy of Newligan Brandon)Ladies and gentlemen, it is time once again for the annual ass-whipping know as Dragon*Con Wrestling or maybe Dragon*Con Championship Wrestling, I really don’t fucking know. I’d say there was no evidence of championship material amongst the lunatics and barbarians competing on august 31st, but somehow or another a few of these scumbags managed to get their greasy paws on some legitimate championship gold. Quite frankly, I think the only qualifying factor to win one of the titles we saw at DCW must be having a waist.
By the time we got into the ballroom, the Hooligans’ numbers were already greater than usual. There were eighteen Hooligan Elite – those of us who had opted for the 2012 Limited Edition DCW Hooligans Purple Shirt of DOOM – and we determined that the first two rows were for Purple Shirts ONLY. Everybody else did not have thirteen dollars worth of love for the Hooligans and what we represent.
DCW Chairman Buck Gently and DCW Vice President of Grizzle Earl T. Stubing, Jr. hit the ring to welcome the fans and to perform the annual ceremony honoring those that have survived the brutal experience that is Dragon*Con wrestling long enough to have earned a plaque. Joining them was DCW Manager of Redneck Visual Clichés Rufus Toadbiscuit. Gently and Stubing asked for the crowd to settle down and be respectful for the DCW Hall of Fame presentations and we did our best to comply.
But the first person they brought out was that despicable load of llama tripe known as Bloated Bobby Auschwitz.
You must understand – we Hooligans wanted to be respectful here. But there’s just this powerful genetic imperative to boo the fuck out of Bloated Bobby Auschwitz. Just looking at him makes my middle fingers itch. Especially considering he didn’t seem to be bloated anymore.
So we booed the ever-loving shit out of him. It was the wrong move. Not because we should have been respectful, but because it only encouraged him and his amazing footwear to reach new heights of obnoxiousness.
BUT THEN! Emerging from not the DCW locker room but from the very bowels of Hell, through Hellfire and brimstone and a black curtain that just doesn’t quite conceal the back portion of the ballroom, the Sinister Scion, the Immoral Icon, the Mailman of Mephistopheles…
You gotta give it up for Hot Topic, particularly when he lets out a gut-curdling, blood-wrenching scream of DCW Hall of Fame victory.
But then you go back to booing Bloated Bobby.
Unless you’re the DCW locker room, who all came out to applaud these guys. It would have been touching if it hadn’t been such a revolting collection of loathsome brutes.
Speaking of loathsome brutes, here comes Jack Wagon with two title belts he clearly bought off the rack at the Pendergrass Flea Market. The red one is the Southeastern Television Repairman Championship and the one on the right is the 1997 US Ladies’ Figure Skating Title.
His opponent tonight is Vin Weasel, who Buck Gently discovered behind the Hyatt eating out of a dumpster. Turns out a few guys didn’t show up and the roster was a little thin. Also, if by some miracle Vin Weasel wins the annual Cab Fare Battle Royal Gently knows he won’t have to pay out.
This is no bullshit one-on-one match! Because here comes Official DCW Hooligans Mascot Muffin Motherfucking Top! I ran over and knelt to present our mascot with his very own Limited Edition DCW Hooligans t-shirt. I think I saw a tear in his eye.
And Judy. Judy is obviously a bad guy because he made a beeline for Jack Wagon and the two started acting all chickenshitty. The dastardly pair ambushed Muffin Top and Weasel as soon as their babyface backs were turned. But the tide got turned and the heels were ejected from the ring. They conferred outside, agreed on a game plan, and both dashed back into the ring to exact vengeance! Except for Judy, who totally left Jack Wagon out to dry, thereby becoming the most heelish heel of the match and almost coming back around to babyface if he wasn’t such a suckass.
After getting whooped by Top and Weasel for a while, Jack Wagon managed to get a little payback on Judy by bellyflopping into his crotch and doing a little cockdusting. Vin Weasel was all like, “Man, I would’ve totally done that for a bottle of Mad Dog!”
Eventually the two heels separated, Wagon wiping his mouth and Judy trying to wipe the gay off his dick. It doesn’t wipe off, Judy. Not ever.
The action really fired up at that point and there was a ton of breathtaking back-and-forth action. Weasel came down from the top rope on the heels, Jack Wagon hit some brutal clotheslines, and Muffin Top… well, he kind of got his ass beat a lot. Especially during the Tower of Doom. The little guy did his best to rally, but the raw power of Jack Wagon was just too much. Judy tried to leap in and break up the pin, but he was too late.
Your Winner and STILL DCW Curtain-Jerker Champion – Jack Wagon
Side Note: A little DCW history lesson – Jack Wagon defeated Muffin Top in the opener last year, as well. Will Muffin Top get his revenge in 2013!?! Tune in next year and find out!
Now it’s time for a one-on-one match. Two DCW alumni – Shastaphonic and Peter Pumpkin Balls will hook it up in a battle of big men. By which I mean fat guys. As a matter of fact, the crowd was chanting, “Let’s go fat guy! *clap-clap-clap,clap,clap*” and both guys were confused as to who we were encouraging. I believe I started that chant, by the way. Actually, I’m quite proud of the number of chants I got going this year. I didn’t have any miserable failures like last year’s attempted “Pay your taxes!”
Also worth mentioning is the “European Uppercut!” chant that just kept happening all night. I didn’t find it funny, but the people doing it sure did. It didn’t bug me or anything, but it was just one of those things where I was like, “Do I somehow not get how funny this is?” I dunno.
I’m not gonna lie, you guys – this match got us fired up pretty good. Shasta and Peter both fought their big, jiggly asses off. Plus, Shastaphonic was sporting some Alabama gear and we have a lot of Auburn Hooligans. We got caught up in this one big time, and then
HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!
Yes. That shit just happened. Peter Pumpkin Balls ascended to the top turnbuckle and executed one of the most graceful moonsaults I have ever seen. Granted, his landing shook the pillars of heaven and caused an older gentleman in the front row to lose control of his bowels, but it was fucking amazing.
And then he did it again.
Or at least, he tried to – Shastaphonic hopped up and managed to hit a massive powerslam, winning the match. Now, my pictures suggest that Shastaphonic actually caught Peter Pumpkin Balls in mid-moonsault and turned it into a powerslam.
I doubt very much that’s what happened, but I’m going to pretend it is.
Your Winner – Shastaphonic
After that match we were joined by Consequences Creed, professional grappler and long-time fan of the DCW Hooligans. We were also joined by Nate the Viking, who shows up fucking everywhere with his horn of mead.
The next event was a new one for DCW, and I’m quite frankly a little surprised it hasn’t happened before. Terry the Swede and East N-Fection entered the ring expected a standard DCW brawl, but DCW Chairman Buck Gently said fuck that shit! He told them they were having a
DCW Chopped Chest murder fest!
The first man to fifty chest chops wins!
Side Note: I couldn’t come up with a very good name for Terry the Swede. I assume he is some sort of Eastern European because none of the gibberish on his ring gear makes any fucking sense. I’ve looked at these pictures a hundred times, and as best I can tell his chest says “Noore” (Swedish for Hesher) and his legs say “Nit 4 Hfre” (Swedish for Satan Waffle). Screw that – his name is now Satan Waffle.
Anyway, Satan Waffle chopped the living fuck out of East N-Fection for a long time. The ref was counting along, and I honestly think Buck Gently whispered to him to extend the number to five million chops. That guy is twisted.
Satan Waffle kept the advantage for a while, but eventually East N-Fection turned the tide and returned chops. The only problem was that East N-Fection had terrible aim. He landed the five million chops in no time, but only about thirty percent of them were actually landing on Satan Waffle’s chest. The guy just wouldn’t stay still.
Finally, East N-Fection wised up and threw Waffle into the corner, tying his feet up in the top turnbuckle. From there, he raised his upper body up and chopped and chopped and chopped until Satan Waffle’s nipples flew out into the crowd and the referee literally started crying and called for the bell. But East N-Fection WAS NOT DONE. He then tied his opponent to a chair in the middle of the ring and fed the man his own nipples. Sick.
Your Winner – East N-Fection
Next up was a Three-Way Triple Threat Dance of DOOM featuring Assworth versus Juicy Dan versus Queaf-O. No sooner had the three men made their entrances than some guy dressed as the Red Power Ranger came running out of the back. He made a beeline for Honorary DCW Hooligan Consequences Creed, who was celebrating his birthday that weekend. The guy stopped in front of Creed and started singing “Happy Birthday”. Clearly he was one of those birthday party for-hire guys. Recognizing the potential for a costly copyright situation, DCW Chairman Buck Gently sent Bob Zombie out to eat the Red Ranger before he could get too far.
No sooner had Bob Zombie clubbered Red Ranger than Mortal Kombat’s Scorpion (shouldn’t that be “Skorpion”?) ran out of the back. You could hear Buck Gently cursing about the conspiracy to get DCW sued for copyright infringement. Clearly he had no choice but to turn this into a
DCW SEXTET SLAUGHTERAMA
It was fucking crazy. Bob Zombie’s opening move was to eat Juicy Dan’s brains.
Lots of shit happened during this match, a lot of it consisted of Queaf-O being an utter douche. I would say he was probably the biggest heel of the night. Red Ranger had just come from little Robbie Brown’s eighth birthday party and was in no way prepared for a wrestling match.
Skorpion and Assworth just kept beating the fuck out of the guy.
But then Bob Zombie got involved. Queaf-O had seen Juicy Dan become a brainless, useless lump after Bob Zombie’s assault and did not want the same for himself, so he begged off. Unfortunately for him, he backed right into Red Ranger, who despite being a birthday party performer and not a wrestler has seen more than his fair share of Shotgun Saturday Nights. He picked up Queaf-O and delivered a devastating piledriver, winning the match completely by accident.
Your Winner – Red Ranger(!)
This enraged everybody else, even the DCW Front Office. Rufus Toadbiscuit came stomping out of the back in his awful hat and told Skorpion to take care of this unwanted interloper. Except what he said sounded more like, “Get ‘im!”
Queaf-O decided to hit on some of the Hooligan ladies after the match. Now, our women can take care of themselves, so none of us interfered. Just check out the look on that tanned goon’s face as Inara suggests his posterior probably has a two-fist capacity:
It was around this time that Evil was getting pretty ridiculous. He had replaced most of his bodily fluids with whiskey at this point and quite literally could not stay in his seat. Of course, it didn’t help that we had eighteen people sitting in a row of ten chairs. I was continually having to kick Evil out of my line of sight and our sole Dragon*Con security guy (who was quite frankly very cool all night) turned into four before DCW was over.
There was a mobile wall of dudes constantly moving in front of Evil.
And then it was time for a couple of DCW alumni to hook it up. The next match was Lou Jersey versus Sad Cowboy. This was one of those matches where you kind of have to go against the grain. I usually try and give the wrestlers the responses I know I am supposed to. For the most part I boo the heels and cheer the faces, no matter how much I might actually like or dislike somebody. Well, that’s not entirely true. If I don’t like a babyface I usually just stay quiet.
But I deep down inside really like Lou Jersey and perhaps not quite so deep inside really hate Sad Cowboy. This match was difficult for me. I booed the shit out of Lou Jersey when appropriate, but I was also cheering for him.
The action was fast and solid – a vast improvement over Sad Cowboy’s 2011 outing, which mostly involved him doing more moping than Henry Cavill in the Man of Steel trailer. I was getting into this shit despite myself.
Then Evil stole Lou Jersey’s signature can of man scent – Jersey Whore – and I do believe that was the first time the security guards threatened to take his badge. The DCW fans loved it, though.
I was too busy monitoring Evil to catch the end of the match, but tragically,
Your Winner – Sad Cowboy
Dollar William & Arsenic Hall w/ Stephanie McLayin & Bloated Bobby Auschwitz
THE LEGION OF GLOOOOOOOM!
For the DCW Tag Team Dragon Cup Championship
Holy fucking shit, DCW just got real.
Last year the big tag match was amazing but a fucking disaster. I’m not going to get into it now because it doesn’t make any fucking sense, especially since Old Jack for some reason isn’t here to defend his Dragon Cup, which for some reason the Legion of Gloom now has. But fuck it.
Let’s All Wrestling!
First, I’d like to apologize to the LOG for not doing any of the appropriate chants for them – “L-O-G, L-O-G!” or “What a rush, what a rush!” or anything. I didn’t even call the Doomsday Device when they hit it. I honestly don’t know if I was too drunk or too concerned about whether or not Evil was going to try and eat somebody, but I totally failed on that one. And it sucks, because the Legion is awesome.
Look – Stephanie McLayin knows it. Check that picture out. She is clearly offering to hold 4 Font’s dick during the match. Sadly, Fairuza was too busy looking at the idiots in the front row to see it.
The action spilled out of the ring quick, because this is DCW, not some pussy shit with backstage skits and YouTube sitcoms. Fairuza faced off against Arsenic Hall and Dollar William was whooping the piss out of 4 Font. This was actually kind of tragic, as those two were tag partners not so long ago.
Eventually the ref got the action back in the ring and Team Bad Guys had Fairuza in dire straits. It was classic Face In Peril action, with 4 Font practically screaming to get in the match and Hot Topic literally screaming beside the ring.
Finally Fairuza was able to get the Hot Tag and 4 Font UNLEASHED HELL.
I managed to get a bunch of incredibly shitty pictures of all the action in this match:
But I also got two absolutely perfect ones (by my standards). 4 Font hit an amazing flip over the ropes:
And then the Legion hit the Doomsday Device on Dollar William:
I was too busy going nuts over the Doomsday Device to get a picture of what happened after that, but whatever it was, it wasn’t good. Because my next shot is this:
Your Winners – Dollar William & Arsenic Hall
Sweet Stevie Sassafras
For the DCW
Dragon Cup Championship
Sweet Stevie competed last year as Pizza! Pizza! And had about as much impact as a fart in the wind. I have no idea how he got to be in contention for the Dragon Cup against Mickey Rourke this year, but it must have involved kneepads and a… Fuck it. I’m pretty sure he must have blown Buck Gently.
And lo, an angel descended once again from the heavens.
That angel was familiar to the DCW faithful.
He is a warrior scarred from many battles.
He is a savior come to deliver us from evil (not Evil).
He has clearly been spending the last 357 days enjoying Big Macs and he is dressed as Kraven the Hunter.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am absolutely ecstatic to tell you that this man came out and identified himself as Mickey Rourke. Holy shit. We did that. We christened this accomplished and respected wrestler with that name two years ago. He embraced it then and actually used it Friday night. I try not to take too much credit for names or chants or whatever. It is no lie that the DCW Hooligans are the loudest and most noticed group of fans in that joint, but there are tons of other fans in there loving the show too. We may be loud, but we’re no more important than any of them and certainly not as important as the wrestlers.
But I’m claiming that one. We named that man Mickey Rourke and he owned it.
This match was going to be a motherfucker. I have never cheered as much for any wrestler as I have for Mickey Rourke. Seriously. The last two years at Dragon*Con Mickey Rourke has been the reason my voice is shot after Friday night. And let me tell you, boys and girls – Sweet Stevie Sassafras is one heck of a heel. I am not bullshitting you when I liken this match to Flair versus Sting. Shit, to the DCW crowd that Friday night this match might as well have been Flair vs. Sting.
It was electric.
Storytelling-wise this was the best DCW match I have seen. I’m going to see if I can find some video of it because I just can’t do the drama justice. Rourke was the stereotypical power babyface and Sweet Stevie was the perfect slimy heel, cowering and ducking out of the ring and just hitting all the right notes.
Tragically, Sweet Stevie’s devious tactics won out.
Your Winner and New DCW Dragon Cup Champion – Sweet Stevie Sassafras
As the new Champ slinked out of the DCW Arena to the crashing boos of the audience, Mickey Rourke ascended the ropes one last time to soak in the adulation of his loyal Rourkamanaics.
BUT THIS SHIT AIN’T OVER BY A LONGSHOT, SALLY!
In case you forgot, we still have to make it through the annual
DCW CAB FARE BATTLE ROYAL
Where the winner gets cab fare home and the losers get ambulance rides! There is no more fucked up and quite frankly disorienting display of violence and brutality in the world today!
DCW Chairman Buck Gently hit the ring first to announce he was getting a little hungry.
Of course I am kidding. Buck “The Naugahyde Kid” Gently was lacing up the… um.. Skechers… to compete once again! So bring on those fuckers from the locker room and bring on the LUCKY FUCKING CHARMS!
This battle royal was crazy-go-nuts! Hitting the ring were the likes of Shop Teacher, Slim Jim, the Bane Brothers Stain and Jane, Cupcake Sting, Queaf-O, Juicy Dan, Vin Weasel, Skorpion, Dollar William, Jack Wagon, Swizzle Dick, and
HOLY SHIT BUCK GENTLY JUST MURDERED SWIZZLE DICK!!!!! MURDERED!!!!!
And Red Ranger is back! But before he could make it to Consequences Creed to finish his birthday tune, Skorpion grabbed him and piledrivered his silly ass into a chair. Speaking of chairs, here’s Dollar William, possibly the smartest man in the room:
I don’t know if Stain Bane actually hit a backbreaker on Queaf-O, but I’m going to pretend he did:
And then Skorpion straight-up broke his neck:
I’d feel bad for the guy if he wasn’t such a douche.
Your Winner – Buck Gently
Clearly the fix is in. That man just paid his own way home.
But that’s okay, because he then invited the DCW Hooligans into the ring!
Best. DCW. Ever.
I mean, we’ve been in the ring before, but I felt like these guys really knew us this year. I suppose the matching purple shirts helped.
Hey kids! I’ve never done this before, but here’s a super-secret DCW Decoder Key! Just highlight the area to find out the DCW wrestlers’ secret identities!
Muffin Top = “Do or Die” Chip Motherfucking Day
4 Font = “The Human Hand Grenade” dany only
Fairuza = “The Lethal Dose” Stryknyn (who I still say looks like Fairuza Balk)
Jack Wagon = Bo Newsom
Assworth = Jacob Ashworth
Dollar William = Andrew Pendleton III
Hot Topic = Reverend Dan Wilson
Legion of Gloom = Hate Junkies
Lou Jersey = “The Temptation” Shaun Tempers
Bloated Bobby Auschwitz = Mr. Jeff G. Bailey
Stephanie McLayin’ = Rachael Freeman
Arsenic Hall = Murder One
Sweet Stevie Sassafras = Seth DeLay
Mickey Rourke = Brodie Chase
Slim Jim = Slim J (yes, this is clearly the least creative name I have ever come up with. I usually just refer to him by his regular name because he is just that good, but now that I’ve seen so many of these guys outside of DCW I realize that goes for a lot of them. So everybody gets dumb names now)
Peter Pumpkin Balls = Okay, I know his name is Eric Jones because his pants say it, but I am not familiar with him. Not to be confused with “Mr. Eric” Eric Jones. Not that I see how that’s possible.
Skorpion = ???
Shastaphonic = ???
Judy = ???
Queaf-O = ???
Sad Cowboy = ???
Shop Teacher = ???
Cupcake Sting = ???
Stain Bane = ???
Jane Bane = ???
Bob Zombie = ???
Swizzle Dick = ???
Buck Gently = ???
Rufus Toadbiscuit = ???
Earl T. Stubing, Jr. = ???
I just wanted to do this because these guys bust ass and do deserve some credit for entertaining the drooling humanoid masses. Apologies to anybody with “???”. Let me know who they are and I’ll correct it.
I don’t normally do this either, but I want to be totally serious and thank every single one of the wrestlers, as well as the guys that put DCW together every year. You make our weekend. There’s no other wrestling event all year long – televised, indie or PPV – that means even half as much. You crazy motherfuckers are the Kings of Dragon*Con.
I also want to mention one guy in particular. I’m not saying names, as I don’t know for sure how real or serious or whatever anything is. I’m no smark. But Friday night may have been the last time we get to see one of these guys for quite awhile. It really doesn’t matter what the reason is or how legit it is, whatever the case he’s not going to be around for a while and this competitor is going to be sorely missed. For my money he’s one of the best in the business right now and a reason I look forward to indie wrestling when I can see it. The guy kicked ass Friday night just like he does every night. He came out after the show, shook my hand and thanked me for coming and I appreciate the fuck out of that.
No sir – thank you. Now get your ass to Mars. And get back sooner than later.
Check out my album on Facebook for TONS more pictures.
Come back tomorrow for more Dragon*Con nonsense.