Friday, May 11, 2012

Mother's Day Special: Mom Action Figures


 

I hope this isn’t a stretch. I really wanted to do a Mother’s Day post and just couldn’t come up with something great. I thought about doing a list of fictional moms, but that’s probably been done to death. I also considered listing songs about moms, but I’m sure that is played out, too.

Of course, I’ll end up doing one of ‘em next year.

Then it occurred to me that I need to stick to my specialty – a list of action figures. But how many moms are there, really? How many maternal action figures are there? And more importantly, how many do I actually own? Because everything I write about is something from my collection. I don’t venture beyond things I have personal knowledge of.

I guess I should say something about moms, too. Or at least my own mom.

I gripe about my parents a lot here, but my mom really is pretty great. She has loved me unconditionally since the day I was born and done her best to understand or at least tolerate all of my quirks and differences. Suffice it to say I do not share many interests with my parents. There is little doubt they never imagined their only begotten son would grow up to be a tattooed, masked dork of epic proportions.

But my mom handles it well. She encourages my writing and individuality, which is about as much as I could ask for. And she loves Lil’ Troublemaker more than anything else on this planet. She also loves Mrs. Troublemaker, but that’s not exactly a hard thing to do.

I feel kind of bad because my birthday falls so close to Mother's Day (I was actually born on Mother's Day). This means I am usually hung over when I call my mom on the big day because we have celebrated my birthday the night before. But not this year. This year we are celebrating tomorrow night at the Platinum Championship Wrestling show. Oh, except we're going to see Mastodon Saturday night.

Oh, well.

Anyway, here’s a list of plastic moms. Now, in the interest of having more than two entries, these characters might not be moms at the time their figure represents, but have given birth at some point in their fictional lives. So back off.

Also, most of these are pretty lousy moms.


Mystique

Nightcrawler’s mom abandoned him early on and didn’t even bother mentioning their connection for, like, fifty years.


Amy Pond

Carried over from my Top 31 Gingers list, River Song’s mom retains her spot. She is also not exactly the best mom ever.


The Terrible American Godzilla

When Godzilla was a woman. And gave birth to a bunch of velociraptors. Ugh. Shameful.

Side Note: I suppose I need to explain why I own this thing. I bought it because I found the toys at Walmart about two weeks or so before the street date and got all excited. The movie is an abomination, but I still think this is a rad toy. It can eat GI Joe-sized figures. That is awesome.


Jabba Desillijic Tiure

You want to know how a real dork rolls? He can spell Jabba the Hutt's real name correctly in one shot.

Hutts are hermaphrodites. Like frogs, they can change their gender at will. Bet you didn’t know that. Or at least hadn’t given it much thought. But Rotta is Jabba’s son, not through a mate but directly from Jabba. Yuck.


Darla

Darla is, technically, Angelus’ mother. Which is icky. Not as icky as what happens with William the Bloody’s mom, but still.


Queen Marlena

He-Man’s mom. Enough said.


Feverish

From Spawn.com:

"This grotesquely large mutation of man serves as a birthing/feeding agent for small demons and is mounted on a surgical slab."

Yes, this is actually a guy. But look at those adorable little buggers he’s giving birth to! I’m sure they’ll make a very happy family. I bet those little guys grow up to be lawyers.


Jean Grey

It might be cheating to list this figure, as it was actually an alternate reality version of Ms. Grey that gave birth to Rachel Summers. But whatever.


Leia Organa Solo

Also not a great mom, as two of her sons have met horrible deaths either saving or trying to conquer the galaxy. Her youngest son, Anakin, died fighting the invading Yuuzhan Vong. Han and Leia’s eldest son, Jacen, was killed by his twin sister while trying to do the exact same thing Emperor Palpatine did.


Marion Ravenwood

Ms. Ravenwood gave birth to Henry Jones, Jr.’s bastard son, Shia “The Beef” LeBouf. An unforgivable crime, certainly, but at least she was kind of an okay mom. I mean, aside from the whole bastard thing. And in all honesty, I didn’t hate The Beef in Indy 4. He was the least of that awful movie’s problems.


Xenomorph Queen

The nastiest and most productive mother on the list, the Alien Queen produces up to 27,000 eggs in an hour and despite what you might think is vaguely cinnamon-scented. The average Queen lives between twenty and seven thousand years and when not hooked up to a revolting sac shooting eggs out of their abdomens enjoy biking, yoga, and the writings of (romance author).

Side Note: If this entry makes you wonder if the Jabba one was fake, it isn't. 

Maybe this list is slack. Maybe there isn’t a whole lot to it. But I’m writing this thing on my birthday at work and despite that will not lose the will to live and just give up on it. Making me a way better mom than Amidala, who didn't make the list because I forgot to take a picture of her and it's four in the morning and I am tired.

Of course, I would never have married a whiny douchebag like movie Anakin, either.

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