Eight thousand years ago, the great Irish hero Patrick Flaherty O’Shaunahan chasing the Vikings out of Ireland with his magic shillelagh. After that, he ended the great potato famine by turning most of the clover in the land into potatoes. The rest he turned into four-leaf-clovers – or shamrocks – as a symbol of his promise that the Blarney Stone would always spurt beer every seventeenth day of the third month of the year. For these heroic actions, the native peoples dubbed him “Lucky the Leprechaun” and to this day produce a cereal in his honor.
To celebrate the traditions of a country that at least 93% of the white people on this planet will claim to have hailed from tomorrow night while grotesquely misquoting The Boondock Saints, I’m making a list of green toys. Please enjoy. With a green beer. Preferably Miller Lite because those Irish beers are all thick and nasty.
These figures must be predominately green in color. There may be a few small bits of other hues here and there, but these guys are mostly green. Also, these are all from my personal collection, so if you think of somebody I skipped it’s because I don’t own them. Feel free to leave your favorite green figures in the comments below!
Ice Warrior – In the late 16th century, the Time Lord known mostly as The Doctor materialized his wondrous space-and-time traversing vehicle the TARDIS in the frozen caves that lie deep under Ireland. There he found a race of creatures hard at work brewing Smithwick’s Ale for the Emerald Isle’s aboveground inhabitants. Unbeknownst to the recipients of this red ale, the creatures – known then as “Ice Patricks” – had a nefarious plan. They were adding an agent to their brew that would create a reliance and unquenchable thirst within its imbibers. Once Ireland’s aboveground inhabitants were rendered non-functional by this new sickness, the Ice Patricks would reveal their true name – Ice Warriors – and take the isle. Naturally the Doctor and his companions – Sheamus O’Gill and Iris Flanahan – stopped this foul plan, but the Ice Warrior’s addictive agent dispersed into the Earth’s atmosphere and continues to infect alcoholic beverages to this day.
Riddler – “Fast” Eddie O’Nigma had always wanted to get rich the easy way. The day he happened upon the entrance to the secret world of the leprechauns would change his life forever. The guardian to the entrance told O’Nigma that he could only pass if he could answer all of the riddles put to him. After hearing the first few riddles, Fast Eddie knew there was only one person on the planet that could solve them – the World’s Greatest Detective, the Batman! So he dressed up like the leprechauns he was dealing with and proceeded to find ways to pass the riddles off to Gotham City’s protector as clues to crimes. Years later and O’Nigma – now calling himself Riddler – still hasn’t realized the leprechauns are just screwing with him.
Hulk – Mild-mannered doctor Bruce O’Banner was working on a program for the US military that would render enemies harmless. One of his ideas was to irradiate large quantities of native beer, so as to pacify indigenous populations. Just as O’Banner’s research seemed to be bearing fruit, his funding was cut off by his commanding officer, Red Hulk. Desperate to prove his theories and methods, Doctor O’Banner downed, like, a whole case of irradiated brews all by himself, man. It is unknown whether his techniques were faulty or the high dosage caused an undesirable reaction, but the result is that the peaceful O’Banner was transformed into the Incredible Hulk, a rage-fueled being with poor decision-making skills who is barely even capable of speech. In other words, the ultimate drunk.
Tri-Klops – Famed inter-dimensional bounty hunter Trydor Esooniux Scope ran across three brothers while in Ireland attempting to draw the heroic Irish hero Patrick Flaherty O’Shaunahan into combat. Each brother was blessed with a different version of the sight – one could see in the dark, one could see around objects, and the last could see great distances. So Trydor slaughtered them and made a hat out of their eyes. He also liked their flag a lot so he incorporated its primary colors into his clothing. Whee!
Green Goblin – Norman Finnegan Osborne loved potatoes. He’d eat them all the time – fries, chips, cakes, hash browns. His friends called him Gobblin’ Osborne because he was always snacking on some kind of potato-based product. One day while Norman was enjoying a baked potato at The Spud Hut, he was witness to local superhero Spider-Man fighting a villain known as Opposite Man. In the process of dodging one of Opposite Man’s attacks, Spidey allowed a stray Opposite Ray to hit Gobblin’ Osborne just as he was taking a big, buttery bite of potato. As a result, Norman developed a severe allergy to potatoes and could no longer eat his favorite food. He vowed vengeance against the wall-crawler, who he saw as responsible. To enact this revenge he dressed up like a real goblin so he could fly around and throw pumpkins – which he had heard totally grossed Spider-Man out.
Green Arrow – Irish pop star Bono, finally realizing that singing and wearing stupid sunglasses would not be enough to bring about the environmental change he had sought for so long took up archery and the appearance of the folk hero Robin Hood in order to fight crime and bring down the evil oil companies. He now referred to himself as Green Arrow, in reference to the color of his arrows. It was pointed out to Bono that Robin Hood was English and not Irish and he moped about for days. Arrow is rightly known more for his enthusiasm than his intelligence.
Lex Luthor – Young Alexander O’Luthor was so very proud of his mane of red, Irish hair. He was a brilliant scientist with a bright future until the day an alien from another world accidentally blew up a vat of Alexander’s experimental microbrew while fighting a robot. The resulting conflagration burned away the young scientist’s hair permanently. An enraged O’Luthor traveled to his native Ireland, hoping to find a way to restore his fiery locks. Instead, he learned from a cursed girl named Siobhan McDougal that the alien’s only weakness lay hidden within the Blarney Stone in the form of a glowing, green rock. Now calling himself Lex Luthor, he stole the Blarney Stone from its nesting place and cracked it open to reveal the gem within. Luthor then built a suit of armor powered by that green gem and went on to battle the alien over and over again. Every time he needs more of the green rock he goes back to Ireland because, as we all know, the Blarney Stone regenerates if it is removed from its home. That’s why those green rocks are just all over the damn place now.
The Lizard – Professor Kurt O’Connor lost his arm in a terrible accident while touring the Guinness brewery. As a result of shock, he fell into a vat of unroasted barley and turned into the villainous Lizard.
King Hssss – King Hssss is the mythical king of the serpents that Saint Patrick drove out of Ireland with his magic shillelagh. Every year on May 10th the citizens of Springfield celebrate Whacking Day and beat effigies of the serpent monarch with plastic shillelaghs until cans of Murphy’s Stout spill forth and the children rush out to grab them up.
Note: May 10th is also my birthday.
Jason Voorhees – Jason Voorhees was the product of an Irish mother and a Dutch father. The mother’s family did not approve of the love between their girl Pamela and the Dutchman Bjorn Voorhees, so they put an Old Irish Curse on the man so that their union would never bear fruit. Bjorn learned of the curse and sought the help of his people’s patron saint, the Flying Dutchman. The ancient pirate clicked his wooden shoes together three times and told young Bjorn to feed his baby tulips underneath a still windmill. After the ritual the couple was able to conceive, but since Dutch magic is way weaker than Irish magic, the baby was a freak. He had a twisted appearance and could drink nothing but beer. Bjorn could not live with his weirdo son, Jason, and threw himself into the waters of Crystal Lake. Rather than drowning, he was carried through a nearby tributary and out to the coast, where he opened up a chain of boutiques specializing in magnetic piercings (a huge trend at the time) called “Voor Real?”. Every Summer since then a bunch of teenagers show up at Crystal Lake to have sex and steal all of Jason’s beer, so he has to kill them.
Whiplash – Years after the Doctor’s visit to icy Subireland, it turned out that he had inadvertently doomed the Ice Warriors to extinction somehow or other. Desperate to find a new, habitable home for their people, a group of Ice Warriors hatched a plot to hijack two of the Irish Space Program’s deep space missions. One of the long range vessels was taken by Ice Warrior Lash, who crashed the ship on the planet Eternia. There he was found by the evil Sorceress Evil-Lyn (redundant, no?) and mutated into the creature known as Whiplash, who went on to become a servant of the evil warlord Skeletor. His people never heard from him again.
Hope Summers – Raised by her uncle/brother/cousin Nathan “Cable” O’Summersby; young Hope was the first Irish baby born after “M Day” – the day where the evil, robot-snogging witch Wanda Maximoff said, “NO MORE MICKS!” and reduced the Earth’s Irish population by 1/976th of a percent.
Gillman – Centuries ago the Loch Ness Monster ventured forth from his home in Scotland. His travels were many and varied, but it wasn’t until he came to the shores of fair and beautiful Ireland that he found true love with a young peasant girl. They married on the moonlit shore of the Loch, and nine months later their union bore fruit. Naturally the infant was a hideous abomination, so they sent it to the Amazon where nobody would have to look at it. To this day, the monster known only as Rory O’Patrick McShannon can be heard wailing into the steamy, jungle nights, “No, seriously you guys – I’m Scot/Irish! For real!”
Greedo - Years after the Doctor’s visit to icy Subireland, it turned out that he had inadvertently doomed the Ice Warriors to extinction somehow or other. Desperate to find a new, habitable home for their people, a group of Ice Warriors hatched a plot to hijack two of the Irish Space Programs deep space missions. One of the long range vessels was taken by Ice Warrior O, who landed the ship on the planet Tattooine. There he sold the ship to a Toydarian named Watto so he could have plastic surgery. O secretly hated his people and never wanted to see them again. That was the whole reason he wanted in on the mission. He was a very greedy individual, and that didn’t go along with the Ice Warriors’ Socialist ideals. After having his appearance altered to match that of the local Rodians, O took the name “Greedo” and was shot by a smuggler. The smuggler shot first, in case you’re curious.
Poison Ivy – Irish scientist Pamela Patrick O’Isley was obsessed with the genetics of the four-leaf-clover; or “Shamrock”. In her studies to create the elusive fourth leaf, she exposed herself to the agent Cloverinium and became Batman’s famous foe, Poison Ivy. With her green skin clad only in Shamrocks and her flaming red hair the last vestige of her humanity, O’Isley terrorizes the citizens of Gotham City with her organic powers, turning perfectly good domestic beers into bitter, harsh, Irish brews.
Sci-Fi – Sheamus Cecil Finnegan was the head of the Irish Space Program’s Department of Lasers. After the Program was shut down because their shuttles kept getting hijacked, Finnegan was contacted by America’s daring, highly trained special missions force – GI Joe. They really dug his cool helmet and boots; and also needed somebody to build laser guns for them because they were going to start filming a cartoon soon and couldn’t use bullets. COBRA was already way ahead, as they’d hired that rotten Scot bastard James McCullen Destro to make their laser guns. Finnegan accepted the Joes’ offer and became known as Sci-Fi; which if you ignore logic and squint really hard is a shortening of his names.
Gorn – The last remaining survivor of the Irish Space Program’s doomed mission to Cestus III, Captain Patrick O’Gorn was affected by the planet’s natural radiation and developed a thick, reptilian skin to cope. After years of surviving with nothing more than his golden Space Toga O’Gorn was brutally assaulted by a Federation Captain near a rock formation he called home.
“He had this weird, sexual energy. He kept wanting to take his shirt off,” the green-hued Irishman later reported.
This is the new stupidest thing I’ve ever written. Hope you enjoyed it.