Wednesday, January 4, 2012

2011’s Worst Stuff

I always start a “Worst Of” list and I never end up posting it. I’m going to post this one even if it only has five things on it. Not because I have some sort of insane moral conviction that I need to balance out my happy “Best Of” list, but because I am running dangerously low on posts as I prepare to go on vacation.
As a side note, I have had a wonderful idea for a new time-saving product.

They’re mints that sense evil. What you do is, whenever you meet somebody new, you offer them one of these mints. Once the mint is in their mouth it senses what sort of person they are. I don’t know how, that’s up to scientists or magicians or somebody to decide. I’m the idea man here. But anyway, once they eat the mint, if they’re a decent, cool individual they get this delicious minty flavor – like Breath Savers’ 3-Hour Mints. Those things are awesome. And they’re sugar free.
If the person is a douchebag the mints taste like poo. This solves future problems because it alerts you to the fact that the person is a douchebag while simultaneously eliminating them from your life. I mean, nobody’s going to hang out with someone who gave them poo-flavored mints, right? So instead of having to spend a year or so figuring out somebody is an asshole and thusly allowing them to become entrenched in your life and stuck with them, you’ve instantly bypassed all that hassle.
I expect the scientists and magicians will be calling me any minute now.
Back to business that won’t make me rich and powerful.
I’m not sure what really sucked this year or how much any of it pissed me off. I’m going into this with no clear ideas of where I’m headed other than doing the reverse of my “Best Of” list. I think the reason I don’t often have very good “Worst” lists is that I am right about things so often. If I think something is going to be good, I check it out. If I’m not sure, I often avoid it. Not very daring I know, but I don’t have time for bullshit in my life. It does still creep in from time to time, though, so I guess this post is really more of an “I Was Wrong” list, because I wouldn’t have bothered with any of these things if I thought they were going to suck as bad as they did.

Worst Movie – Cars 2
Whoa. I really thought this was going to be Green Lantern. But then I realized that I actually have watched that piece of shit twice and even kind of enjoyed it the second time because we were watching it with Evil and laughing at what a dumb fucking mess it is.
But Cars 2, on the other hand, was so bad that Lil’ Troublemaker wanted to leave the theater about halfway through and I was totally fine with it.
Guys – let me tell you how much my son loves Cars. He wanted a Lightning McQueen bed. He has Lightning McQueen slippers. He has approximately 2,398 Cars-related toys. And Pappy Troublemaker loves Cars too, so that makes my son love it even more. All they do is play with Cars LEGOs, Hot Wheels, and these little tiny plastic ones every time we go to North Carolina to visit.
Lil’ Troublemaker wanted to see Cars 2 so bad that he overcame his dislike of movie theaters to do it.
I, on the other hand, am not as big a fan of the original movie; but I do appreciate it. I am also not the sort of person to walk out of a movie that I have paid over twenty bucks to see. But before my son could even finish saying, “I miss my dogs” (that’s his code phrase for “I am done with this shit and I want to go home”) I was standing up to leave.
I have a feeling the experience was very much like when my dad took me to see RUN DMC and the Beastie Boys in Houston back in ’87. He was clearly not having a good time, what with all the rap music and profanity, but he stuck it out until I was ready to go. Finally, halfway through RUN DMC’s set I was pretty tired and called it a night. I’m sure he would tell you that was one of the happiest moments in his life.
Worst Ongoing Comic Book –
Batgirl
I don’t have the same standards for this as for the “Best” because obviously I am not going to read a shitty comic for twelve issues. But I’ve given Gail Simone’s Batgirl four and that is enough.
I’ve been bitching about this book since issue one and it has not gotten any better. I don’t like the way Simone is writing Barbara Gordon, I don’t like the story, and honestly I am just bitter that Miller’s Stephanie Brown stories are over. I know that shouldn’t count against this Batgirl, but it does. Because I can tell you I would’ve gotten over it if this book had been good, which I was absolutely positive it would be. I’m serious – I would have bet you a hundred dollars this would be the very best of the New 52.
It probably isn’t fair to call this the worst comic, more like “Most Disappointing”. But it isn’t good, either. And to be clear, the art is just fine. Really good, even. I blame this entirely on the way Gail Simone is characterizing Barbara Gordon, the way she is writing the dialogue and monologues, and the story she is choosing to tell. Not to mention the story she is choosing not to tell. As in, how the heck is Ms. Gordon walking around again?
Worst Story Arc in A Comic Book –
Flashpoint
Yeah, there were things about Flashpoint that I really enjoyed. But when DC announced the New 52 they completely undermined the impact that the Elseworlds-as-a-reality narrative should have had. We immediately knew that the events depicted in Flashpoint would mean even less than we already suspected they would. My instinct was to drop the titles entirely, but there were enough worth following that I was still able to keep up with everything. But I have a lot of Flashpoint #1 tie-ins with no follow-up issues.
Worst Single Issue Comic Book –
Flashpoint: Legion of Doom #1
This was such a senseless, boring piece of shit that I almost didn’t bother finishing it.
Here’s what I said back in June:
Remember when I said Suicide Girls was one of the stupidest comics I have ever read? Well, this one isn’t as stupid, but it is much less entertaining. This is just a bad, bad comic. So bad. The dialogue is some of the worst I’ve read in years. I want to line a bird cage with this thing, but we don’t have a bird. POOP ON THIS”
Worst Thing on TV – Nancy Grace
I loathe Nancy Grace with every fiber of my being. She looks like a fucking fat banana with a troll face and soccer mom hair. Her voice makes me want to crush hamsters with my forehead. I don’t know what channel chooses to broadcast that monstrous bitch, but it must be beamed directly out of Hell because she is seemingly on the air twenty-four hours a day.
For some reason – I suspect it is a part of her plot to kill me – Mrs. Troublemaker likes to leave the TV on the Hell channel, so when I walk into the living room I see that putrid harpy and hear her screeching Southern drawl and want to headbutt the television like a goat. Which would probably kill me.
Worst Wrestler – Michael Cole
All of the WWE guys that suck suck about the same, so there’s no way to pick one out. Oddly, there are very few active wrestlers that are flat-out terrible right now. Most of the guys fall under the heading of mediocre. The few outstanding talents – CM Punk, Miz, Alberto Del Rio, a few others – are carrying the product while all of the fair-to-middling guys that make up 95 percent of the roster flail about the rest of the card. But nobody just outright sucks.
Except Michael Cole, who is considered in storylines to be part of the active roster.
Michael cole is the worst fucking thing that had ever happened to professional wrestling. He is the reason I finally stopped watching WWE a couple of months ago. The shows are no great shakes, but wrestling is wrestling. I’m gonna watch. But I simply could not tolerate that untalented hack for four hours a week any longer. You could not build a worse announcer Frankenstein-style if you took the worst parts of Mark Madden, Ed Ferrara, and Mongo McMichael and stuck them in Tony Schiavone (who I actually love, but most people do not).
Even Johnny Fucking Ace – who I personally offered a bounty on a couple of years ago – does not bring the shows down like Cole does.
Here, this guy says it a lot more eloquently than I ever could:
I never in a million years would have thought the day would come that something could make me stop watching WWE. But it did.
Fuck you, Michael Cole. I don’t want you dead, but a permanent case of laryngitis would make me like you a lot more.
Worst New Cartoon –
The World of Gumball

This irritating crap isn’t worse than Johnny Test, but it’s pretty bad. I can’t stand to watch it for more than a couple of minutes.
On a side note, I have finally hit a wall with Spongebob. I can’t take it anymore.
Worst Toy Line –
DC Universe by Mattel
A year full of spotty distribution, terrible quality control, and questionable lineup choices marked the final year of Mattel’s sometimes outstanding but almost always frustrating DC Universe Classics line.
Worst Online Store –MattyCollector.com
Well, duh. Overpriced, slow shipping is the main reason I have a problem with these guys. They’ve actually cleaned up their act a lot since last year. But they still suck. And this most recent thing with Demo Man not being ready to ship until fucking January is just absurd.
And you know what else? It is absolutely fucking unacceptable that Matty does not update its customers about shipping delays, production issues, or any other of the myriad problems they are constantly producing. You have got to be fucking kidding me if you think it is okay that I have a contract with Mattel but the only way I can get information about the goods I have agreed to pay for is by going to their website. They need to be notifying us of each of these problems via an e-mail. An apologetic e-mail. And they also need to learn how to compensate for their constant fuck-ups. I find it inexcusable that a product I was expecting in December – Battleground Evil-Lyn – was ready but delayed because another product – Demo-Man – was not ready. Mattel should have eaten the shipping costs on Demo-Man and delivered the figure that was ready.
I’ve said it many, many times before, but fuck you, Matty.
Worst Website – io9.com
Okay, I actually love io9 a lot, but they are such a bunch of pretentious twats. And the commenters are even worse.
Worst Song –
Any Katy Perry song
I cannot stand the soulless garbage that passes for pop music right now. I’m sure it has value and blah, blah, blah; but I fucking hate it. And Katy Perry is the worst offender. Every one of her stupid, insipid little songs is about fucking and they are all terrible.
Sadly for me Mrs. Troublemaker enjoys listening to the type of radio stations that play Ms. Perry’s music constantly. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t have to loathe the poor girl as intensely as I do. I think this, too, is part of Mrs. Troublemaker’s plot to kill me. I’m going to be so irritated by one of those vacuous, airheaded songs that I won’t be paying attention when I get out of the car and walk into an open manhole or something.

Worst Action Figure –
Snout Spout
Masters of the Universe Classics
By Mattel
Snout Spout, you are truly a wretched piece of shit.
Worst Restaurant – Chili’s
Out of respect for some friends of ours I am not going to go with my gut on this one and choose the Tilted Kilt. We had a really bad experience there, but our friends assure us that it was an aberration and the place is normally really great. So I’m going to give it one more chance after the beginning of the year.
But if they screw it up again I’m really going to tear that place a new one.
So the winner here is Chili’s. We went to one and had terrible food and worse service. I know it’s not a good story, I mainly wanted to mention the Tilted Kilt thing.
Worst Dragon*Con Costume –
?
This guy is there every year in some variation of... this. I defend his right to do it, but I don't have to like it.

Until next time, stay creepy
-Phantom

2 comments:

  1. Good memory. My best friend wanted to make a sex video with the gold guy. He said yes but we cant find him after we got a camera. That was good her boyfriend would shoot her.
    Brenda
    PS He showed us. He is gold all over

    ReplyDelete