Friday, October 14, 2011

31 Days of Halloween Day 10

We started a new Halloween tradition last year of visiting this place called Randy’s Pumpkin Patch. It’s a neat little seasonal place off of Highway 29 that sells overpriced Halloween decorations, overpriced tickets to inflatable jump things, overpriced pony rides, overpriced bunnies, and of course overpriced pumpkins(!).
I realize that’s a lot of overpricing, but it really is a fun place and not a bad way to help get your Halloween on.


We visited the Pumpkin Patch on Sunday, ostensibly with the purpose of purchasing pumpkins. You can’t miss the Pumpkin Patch because they have one of each inflatable Halloween yard decoration ever made set up around the perimeter:
As well as the most inappropriate giant pumpkin you’ve ever seen. But we’ll get to that.
I am always amazed at the fact that you don’t have to pay to get in. Randy is clearly in the holiday exploitation game for the money (I believe he has a Christmas Tree Farm in the same location every year) and he could probably get away with charging a buck or two just to walk in the front gate.
After you walk through that gate you’re faced with some choices. You can go straight ahead towards the large selection of pumpkins, you can go right and purchase snacks, or you can go left and peruse the assortment of aging Halloween tchochke. I say aging because most of it is left over from 1992 because nobody ever buys the stuff because it’s so expensive. And it’s so expensive because seasonal merchants never mark anything down. They just mark it up year after year to account for inflation and people keep not buying anything.
So we went left after we got in to investigate what is at this point just a sort of museum of Halloween decorations because nobody in their right mind is going to pay $8.99 for a slide whistle with a witch’s head on it or $32.99 for a pink light-up skull. They had the same assortment of odd junk as last year, including a talking zombie head with what looks like a Mardi Gras hat. Inside a big crystal ball. Believe me, if they didn’t want $119.99 for it I would own that thing.
We stopped by the bunny pen – which I don’t get because what do rabbits have to do with Halloween? – so Lil’ Troublemaker could pat some bunnies, but the girl there said they were taking a break. Apparently bunnies don’t like being chased about and forcibly cuddled by things about thirty times their size.
We went to the giant inappropriate pumpkin next, but I want to save that for the end.
Across from said pumpkin was an inflatable slide about twenty feet high that cost two $1 tickets to play on. I thought this meant that the kids would get a few minutes to run up and down the ladder, play on the slide, whatever. Nope. One time down the slide and out. As an aside, I’d just like to note that Lil’ Troublemaker was the only kid who knew that ropes are for sissies:
Obviously Randy’s Pumpkin Patch had a ton of pumpkins to choose from. We wandered around their mid-sized field for a bit and then got pictures in one of their… what are those things called, anyway?
Lil’ Troublemaker always picks out some tiny pumpkins, but I fully intend to carve up some real pumpkins this year. I told the missus we needed to get some bigger gourds, but once she pointed out the pricing I decided maybe Walmart pumpkins were just as good as Randy’s pumpkins. The place wanted $8 for a mid-size gourd. It made me even more regretful we weren’t able to take advantage of the Pike Nursery sale.
(If I didn’t mention it, Pike had a sale a couple of weekends ago where you could buy as many medium pumpkins as you could carry for twenty bucks. I was all about it and figured I could probably even get a post from it. Unfortunately I was working and we never had time to go.)
Okay. I think it’s time to talk about that giant pumpkin.
The main attraction of Randy’s Pumpkin Patch was a twenty-foot-tall inflatable pumpkin with a vagina.
No, seriously – look:
Yeah:
Be glad I didn’t take any pictures of kids coming out of it.

And then we watched Spooky Buddies, a movie so fucking awful that I’m not even sure I can stand to think about it long enough to grind out a review. But I’m going to try because I love you people. So stay tuned tuned for that.
31 Days of Halloween vs. 31 Days of Halloween!
We’re heading into the weekend and since I won’t be posting again until Monday so I’m going to go ahead and cover what’s on SyFy Saturday and Sunday as well. Strap in, because it’s about to get wacky.
Friday
  • 11:30 AM – 1:30 PM – The Cursed – As the title suggests, this is a feature about a creature with a butthole for a mouth.
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – 2
  • 1:30 PM – 3:30 PM – The Ferryman – This sounds too stupid to think about. If you want to know more, go ahead and look.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 1
  • 3:30 PM – 8:00 PM – The Cave/Dawn of the Dead – Okay, SyFy – this is just lazy. You showed these less than 24 hours ago. There are thousands of movies you guys could’ve put here.
Halloween score – 4/5
Quality score – 3/4
  • 8:00 PM – 10:00 PM – WWE Smackdown – Blech. I honestly might be done with WWE wrestling for a while. I’m not even planning on watching RAW right now (I’m writing this Tuesday).
Halloween score – 0
Quality score – 2

  • 10:00 PM – 11:00 PM – Sanctuary – I think this should be a new episode. I’m not sure.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score - 3
  • 11:00 PM – 12:00 AM – Paranormal Witness
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – 3
Saturday
  • 12:00 AM – 1:00 AM – Sanctuary – Okay, I guess since this is a repeat of a premiere episode it isn’t bad that they’re replaying it an hour later.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 3
  • 1:00 AM – 3:00 AM – Ginger Snaps Unleashed – This is the second movie of the series. I’m not sure why SyFy dropped the “2” designation. All three of these are pretty great movies. If you haven’t seen them you should.
Halloween score – 5
Quality score – 4
  • 3:00 AM – 5:00 AM – Bats: Human Harvest – It’s about killer bats. Sounds kind of bland.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 2
  • 5:00 AM – 6:00 AM – Friday the 13th: The Series – I will never complain about more of this.
Halloween score – 5
Quality score – 4

  • 6:00 AM – 9:00 AM – Paid Programming
Halloween score – 0
Quality score – 0
  • 9:00 AM – 11:00 AM – Hallowed Ground – It’s a killer scarecrow movie. Hitgirl is in it.
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – 1
  • 11:00 AM – 1:00 PM – The Messengers – This one isn’t bad and it isn’t great. It works for 11 AM on a Saturday. And between this and Adventureland I think I actually like Kristen Stewart just fine. Once Twilight is done she’ll be alright.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 3
  • 1:00 PM – 3:00 PM – The Hitcher – I’m sure this is the remake. I’ve seen it and the whole problem here is that Rutger Hauer is in the title role and some douche is the main guy. So you just want horrible things to happen to the main guy.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 2
  • 3:00 PM – 5:00 PM – Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead – I haven’t seen this one. I liked the first and fucking love the second so I guess I should give this a chance.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 3 (I’m not getting my hopes too high)

  • 5:00 PM – 7:00 PM – The Hills Have Eyes 2: Eye Harder! – I’m just kidding about the “Eye Harder!” part. I like both of these remakes equally. They’re not amazing, but I can watch ‘em any time they’re on. People complain about them being too rapey, but there is actually a story reason – the mutant family is trying to continue the line. And clearly they are not into romance.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 3
  • 7:00 PM – 9:00 PM – Underworld: Rise of the Lycans – I dug the first two a lot. I couldn’t make it through the first ten minutes of this one. What a turgid piece of crap.
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – 1
  • 9:00 PM – 11:00 PM – 30 Days of Night: Dark Days – Never saw it. I didn’t like the first one enough to bother with a sequel. And you know what? I love Steve Niles so much, but this comic has not aged well. It isn’t Niles, though. It’s that fucking terrible hack Ben Templesmith. He hasn’t ruined as many potentially great comics as Richard Corben, but he’s on his way. I avoided IDW’s Doctor Who comics forever because of that guy.
Halloween score – 5
Quality score – 2 (probably)
  • 11:00 PM – 1:00 AM – Rise: Blood Hunter – SyFy should have called today “Attack of the Colons”. This is a movie about Lucy Liu being a vampire. Michael Chiklis is in it as well. I’ll watch.
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – 2 (I’ve never even heard of it, so I can’t imagine it’s going to be all that good)
Sunday
  • 1:00 AM – 3:00 AM – Skinwalkers – I always get this confused with the hilarious Stephen King comedy Sleepwalkers. This is actually about werewolves. It doesn’t sound bad and Elias Koteas is in it. You know – Casey Jones.
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – 3
  • 3:00 AM – 5:00 AM – Reign of the Gargoyles – A bunch of World War II-era soldiers fighting gargoyles.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 2 is usually a safe guess with ol’ SyFy
  • 5:00 AM – 6:00 AM – Twilight Zone – Sure, why not?
Halloween score – 5
Quality score – 4
  • 6:00 AM – 9:00 AM – Paid Programming
Halloween score – 0
Quality score – 0
  • 9:00 AM – 11:00 AM – Mortuary – This Tobe Hooper movie was pretty fucked up and awesome if I remember correctly. You should watch it.
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – 4
  • 11:00 AM – 1:00 PM – The Graves – This is chock full of comic book, horror and metal nerds. It might be worth checking out if only to look for familiar faces.
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – Probably not much better than a 3, if only for curiosity’s sake
  • 1:00 PM – 3:00 PM – Underworld: Rise of the Lycans – I dug the first two a lot. I couldn’t make it through the first ten minutes of this one. What a turgid piece of crap.
Hey, if SyFy is going to cut and paste, so am I.
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – 1
  • 3:00 PM – 5:00 PM – Fertile Ground – Man, they showed this one last week. I don’t remember what I scored it, so I’m just going to go with a “1” for quality. Does seem kind of Halloweenish though.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 1
  • 5:00 PM – 7:00 PM – Seconds Apart – Also a repeat.
Halloween score – 2
Quality score – 2

  • 7:00 PM – 7:00 PM – The Task – This sounds like a straight-up Saw rip-off. Just dumb.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 1
  • 7:00 PM – 11:00 PM – Prowl – This might be kind of good. A bunch of teenagers get kidnapped and taken to a meat packing plant where vampires learn to hunt humans.
Halloween score – 4
Quality score – 3?
  • 11:00 PM – 1:00 AM – Roadkill – The Roc kills people in Ireland. The mythical bird, not the wrestler.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – Possibly a bizarro 3
Monday
  • 1:00 AM – 3:00 AM – The Messengers – Well, if you didn’t catch Ms. Stewart last time you can now.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 3
  • 3:00 AM – 5:00 AM – The Dunwich Horror – There’s no telling which of the thousand different adaptations of the Lovecraft work this is.
Halloween score – 5
Quality score – In all likelihood a 2 or worse
  • 5:00 AM – 6:00 AM – Twilight Zone
Halloween score – 5
Quality score – 4
  • 6:00 AM – 8:00 AM – Paid Programming
Halloween score – 0
Quality score – 0
  • 8:00 AM – 11:00 AM – Destination Truth – I like the guy that hosts this show. He’s a fucking goofball and he doesn’t try to act like what he’s doing is serious or real science or anything. As opposed to those douchey Ghost Hunters.
Halloween score – 3
Quality score – 4
I think Monday is going to be something special for the ladies. But I’m not positive. Be sure and check back.
Until next time, stay creepy
-Phantom

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