Monday, May 16, 2011

2011 Summer Movie Preview - July


Man, there's even more going on in July than June. I've had a lot more fun thinking about movies this year than I did last year.





-Cowboys & Aliens – 7/29 – There is not a single thing about this movie that does not look completely awesome. Verdict – OPENING NIGHT
-Winnie the Pooh – 7/15 – I am very excited about this movie. The animation looks absolutely amazing. I really hope Lil’ Troublemaker wants to go see it, but he may be hung up on the fact that that stupid girl from the mindless CGI cartoon isn’t in it. I want to see it in the theater either way. Verdict - THEATER
- One Day – 7/8 – Hollywood, I am not buying this Anne Hathaway that you keep trying to sell me. I suppose I will when I have to (we all know when that is), but until then – NO. Verdict - PASS
-The Smurfs – 7/29 – Why, oh why was this the most viewed article on Needless Things for so long? I hate you, internet. I also hate people who refer to Neil Patrick Harris as “NPH”, like they’re his buddy or something. Verdict – I’m probably not going to be able to resist giving this a RENT, despite the titular characters looking creepy as fuck
-Crazy, Stupid, Love – 7/29 – I can’t tell what the tone of this movie is from EW’s typically incompetent write-up. If it is the sort of comedy you would expect from Steve Carell, then I will see it. If it is some sort of mopey half-comedy I will not. Verdict – RENT - maybe
.-Transformers: Dark of the Moon – 7/1 – How this franchise vexes me. I enjoyed the first one for the big mess that it was and the attempts it made at making fans happy. I loved the second one for the most part, but the crudity was so off-putting that I have yet to watch it again. Michael Bay claims the “stupid humor” is absent from this one and I really hope he knows what he’s talking about. I don’t doubt his honesty; just his ability to recognize “stupid humor”. On the upside, this one has Shockwave and Leonard Nimoy as an Autobot with a mustache (not Wreck-Gar). Verdict - THEATER
-Zookeeper – 7/8 – Kevin James, Rosario Dawson and talking animals voiced by the likes of Sly and Adam Sandler. Something about all of that is very appealing to me. Verdict - RENT
-Another Earth – 7/22 – It’s about two Earths existing in the same universe, with doppelgangers. I stick to Fringe, thank you. A guy I work with that likes crappy movies is really excited about this one. That’s enough for me. Verdict - PASS
-Project Nim – 7/8 – I thought this was some kind of anime when I saw the title. I don’t watch a whole lot of documentaries, much less sweet ones about a chimp that will probably make me cry. Verdict - PASS
-Larry Crowne – 7/1 – Tom Hanks in what looks like a pretty positive and uplifting movie. I like that. I don’t enjoy Tom Hanks in bummers. This one is about a guy who loses his job but just sees it as this challenge to handle. Julia Roberts is in it, too. Verdict - RENT
-Friends With Benefits – 7/22 – I think Mila Kunis just did this to have some naked time with Justin Timberlake. Verdict - PASS
-Snow Flower and the Secret Fan – 7/15 – When one of the key selling points of the movie seems to be that Hugh Jackman makes a brief cameo for a song and dance number, you know I’m there opening night. My ass. Verdict - PASS
-Horrible Bosses – 7/8 – You had me at Kevin Spacey and Jason Bateman. Apparently this like 9 to 5 (the old movie with Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin) but with dudes and murder. But without Dabney Coleman. Verdict – RENT
-Captain America: The First Avenger – 7/22 – PICK OF THE MONTH - Yeah, I know you've all seen the trailer, but damn I love it. In a totally gay and pussy move, Paramount’s international title for this movie is The First Avenger. Regardless of the studio’s utter lack of balls, I’m still super-stoked about this one. I wasn’t too sure about the casting of Chris Evans initially, but the trailers have made me feel a lot better about it. Plus, Hugo Weaving as the Red Skull is just genius. Verdict – OPENING NIGHT
July Quick Picks
-Monte Carlo – 7/1 – Selena Gomez and some dude with a silly name are on vacation. Surely this girl isn’t doing grown-up movies already – isn’t she still on Disney TV? - PASS
-The Perfect Host – 7/1 – This is where EW’s shitty coverage hurts my shitty preview. This one stars David Hyde Pierce but I can’t tell if it’s a comedy like The Ref or a thriller like Pacific Heights (which is not as good as you remember it being). - RENT
-Terri – 7/1 – A lonely teen befriends John C. Reilly. No way this isn’t creepy – intentionally or not. – RENT maybe? I dunno. I need a trailer.
-Beats, Rhymes & Life – 7/8 – A documentary about one of my favorite hip-hop groups, A Tribe Called Quest. I’m not sure I can handle two documentaries in the theater this year, but I’d kind of like to. – THEATER
-The Ledge – 7/8 – Liv Tyler in some kind of movie. Blech. - PASS
-Lucky – 7/15 – A movie about a kid winning the lottery. Did Hollywood learn nothing from last year’s The Ticket? – PASS
-Life, Above All – 7/15 – South Africa made a movie. Whoopee. - PASS
-Salvation Boulevard – 7/15 – Pierce Brosnan and Jennifer Connelly star in this film about something that wasn’t interesting enough for EW to describe. - PASS
-Tabloid – 7/15 – A documentary about sleazy magazines and newspapers. Most of which are no longer in publication and mostly irrelevant. – PASS
-1942 – 7/22 – I was hoping this was going to be an adaptation of the classic arcade shooter. It isn’t. – PASS
-The Myth of the American Sleepover – 7/22 – The myth is that any actual sleeping occurs. It doesn’t. Duh. - PASS

-The Devil’s Double – 7/29 – EW’s bland line about this being a movie about one of Uday Hussein’s doubles made it sound about as fun as watching paint dry. Now I’ve seen a trailer and the reality is that this look like an action-packed, edge-of-your-seat thriller. I am genuinely excited about seeing this movie now. – RENT
-The Guard – 7/29 – Don Cheadle has to do something while he waits for Iron Man 3 to start production. - PASS
-Life In A Day – 7/29 – Some kind of artsy-sounding YouTube movie. Don’t expect a satisfying number of nutshots. - PASS
-The Future – 7/29 – All EW mentions is that this is by indie director Miranda July. That means nothing to me, so I’ll – PASS
-The Best and the Brightest – 7/29 – Neil Patrick Harris stars in a movie that I sincerely hope is about the toddler pageant scene. – RENT maybe?
-The Perfect Age of Rock N’ Roll – 7/29 – What a shitty title. This is going to have to be one amazing trailer to get me on board. – PASS

Until next time, stay creepy
-Phantom

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