Monday, February 14, 2011

(Married) Love, Troublemaker Style

Today is your lucky day! It’s the one day a year where you might be able to get your wife to wear matching underwear instead of that sexy tan bra/white “over-the-navel” panties combo she normally wears. The days of crotchless Frederick’s panties or sexy corsets may be long gone, but you might still be able to coax your lady into a matching pink bra and panty set from Target. But only if you do exactly as I say.

Rather than lay out an elaborate plan for you married fellas like I did for those poor, single schmucks I’m going to give you a simple list of steps guaranteed to please your loving wife. Who almost certainly weighs exactly what she did before you married her and created five kids. Just like you do.
  • It’s too late to make an order from Troublemaker-approved ProFlowers.com, but you should still be able to pick some up. Do it. You should know damn well by now that your wife loves flowers, regardless of what she tells you. If not, you should probably be looking for a lawyer.
  • Naturally you’re going to want to get some chocolates, too. I don’t care how long you’ve been married, chocolates on Valentine’s Day accompanied by a weight comment IS NOT OKAY. And good Lord, don’t buy some kind of low-fat chocolates or that hideous carob stuff. You might as well go home and punch your wife in the face.
  • Try your very, very hardest to remember her favorite restaurant. Pick dinner up on the way home, but only after carefully verifying that she’s not making a fancy dinner already. Chances are you guys have the kids tonight since your only babysitting options are some hot, young girl who certainly has plans and your parents. Your parents can’t help either because they, too have plans and – let’s face it – are far more likely to be making the beast with two backs tonight than you are.
  • When you get home do not plop down in front of the television like you normally do. Lay out the food and get the kids ready to eat. Try to think of everything your wife normally does after you get home and – get ready – do all of that. Except for the nagging.

  • Do not fart during dinner.
  • After dinner, clean up. Then give the kids baths, tuck them in, read to them; whatever your routine is. Let your wife relax with some wine or hard liquor. Probably vodka.
  • After the kids have fallen asleep (assuming this ever happens) and while your lady is watching Dancing With the Stars or whatever godawful reality show is on tonight, sneak off to the bedroom so you can watch Monday Night RAW.

  • HA! Just kidding. Go take a shower.
  • After you clean up, go find your wife and give her a back rub. She already knows at this point if you are any good at it or not (and if you’re smart she thinks you’re not), but she’ll appreciate the thought either way.
  • Pour her another glass of wine (or vodka) and escort her to the bedroom.
  • Don’t fart in the bedroom.
Note: You’re not drinking tonight, mister. If the kids wake up, you’re taking care of them.
  • After a few minutes of exhausted pawing, you both fall asleep. Your son will walk in the room soon after that, completely naked except for his Buzz Lightyear jet pack and his Woody boots to inform you that he just pooped in infinity and beyond. Get up and figure out where that is, Romeo. Because that’s the most romantic thing you could ever do for your wife: let her keep sleeping.

Until next time, stay Sexy,
-Phantom

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