Monday, February 14, 2011

Love, Troublemaker Style

If you're like me and a happily married fella, check back in a couple of hours for your tips. You have a whole lot less work to do to get your piece of poontang.
There is still time. If you’re one of those sorry schlubs or schlubettes who is just now remembering that today is the day that all of the corporations agreed on to force you to obtain flowers, candy, jewelry and pieces of paper that proclaim a monetary value on your love for that special someone; well – I’m here to help. You, too can show your girl exactly how much she’s worth to you in just a few simple steps.
I can help.
Read on, and learn how to guarantee a night where all of your wildest passions are fulfilled.
Obviously, you’ve got some work to do. You should’ve been planning this months ago – like, before Thanksgiving – but all is not yet lost. Just know that it ain’t gonna be cheap. True love never is.

First, you’re going to need to get out of work. Like, NOW. You obviously have no clue how women operate, so I can’t imagine you have any idea whether or not a nice hotel room for a private rendezvous would be appropriate or not. No, your best bet is to head home immediately and clean up. Because if you’re in the position where you’re taking romantic advice from a toy blog, I’m assuming your place is a mess. You don’t have time to do the real cleaning your pigsty likely requires, so just stuff all your comics and dirty clothes and porn into the closet furthest from the central living space and wipe everything else down with Pledge. Your kitchen is probably spotless due to the fact that you’re either ordering pizza or nuking Ramen noodles every day, so a quick wipe down should do. The bathroom is where you’re in trouble.
You’re going to have to get all of that hair off of the floor, the sink and the tub. While it may seem sensible to just try and wash it all down the drain, that would be a mistake. A clogged drain is the last thing you want happening in your soon-to-be-romantic washroom. We’re basically going to turn this place into a mini love spa and a giant ball of pubes shooting out of the tub drain is not going to convey the proper atmosphere.
Now take a lint roller… never mind. You don’t own a lint roller. Wrap some adhesive tape (Scotch, masking, duct) around your hand and go over every inch of these surfaces. It’ll probably take a couple of rolls, but it is absolutely critical you be thorough, here. Next you’re going to want to just Windex the heck out of everything. Don’t forget the mirror. She’ll be looking at it and those little toothpaste and shaving cream spots do not moisten panties. You don’t have time to properly wash your bath mats. Just use the Dustbuster you think makes an acceptable substitute for a real vacuum and clean them the best you can.
Your toilet is probably disgusting. I doubt you own any toilet-specific cleaning products, so just Windex that, too. And I mean everywhere. Even under the hinges. People see that stuff. Especially women.
So now your apartment can pass for a place where roaches might not live. Next you’re going to need to go to the store. Here is your shopping list:
(Had to take my picture of Febreze out - didn't realize it would be so traumatic! Thanks, Monkey!)

  • Febreze
  • Scented candles (but nothing gay – do not buy any red or pink colored ones)
  • Bubble bath
  • One of those fluffy, scrubby things girls have (unless you already have one, in which case you’re probably making all of these preparations for a dude – not that there’s anything wrong with that)
  • Strawberries
  • Dipping chocolate
  • Wine ($30+ [per bottle, not total – ass])
  • As many flowers as you can reasonably afford (Do not believe your lady’s claims that she doesn’t like/care about flowers. She is lying to you. This is a test women do where if it turns out you believe everything they say it means you don’t love them.)
  • A big, fluffy bathrobe
Now, at this point I’m hoping you know what kind of food your girl likes. If not, you might as well pick up Subway and go home and jack off. But, assuming you have an inkling as to your lady’s culinary preferences; you’re going to need to make dinner preparations. Be careful. While the most important factor is certainly what your girl likes, don’t get anything for yourself that has any chance of giving you the shits. This could be a problem, since chances are the female palate is going to tend towards actual food and not the garbage your stomach is used to. Just be as careful as you can.
Note: Speaking of the garbage you eat, I am not suggesting for a second that you cook. Not only is this inviting criticism into your evening, you just cleaned your kitchen. Don’t fuck that up.
You’re going to need to order carry-out (do not get delivery – nobody worth a shit delivers) from a place that serves her favorite food. You’re also going to need serving dishes. Don’t look like an asshole and have a bunch of paper boxes and foil trays sitting on the table. She’s smart enough to know you didn’t cook, but you can at least make a nice presentation. Transfer everything to actual serving dishes. If you don’t have any (and Lord knows you probably don’t), add them to your shopping list (don’t buy anything with flowers on it). I certainly hope I don’t need to tell you this, but no fast food, no wings, no pizza. Honestly.
Note: If you still live with your parents, forget all of this and go get a hooker. It’s probably your only chance.
Okay. Store the food in the kitchen. Put the bathrobe, candles, bubble bath and scrubby thing in the bathroom. Give your place a light coating of Febreze. Not too much, just enough to freshen things up. Definitely do not light the candles before you do this. Make one last check of your place and then clean yourself up.
Since you are not married yet, I am assuming you own at least one decent set of clothes. Your “Xavier’s Academy for Gifted Youngsters” t-shirt is not okay. You want something with buttons. Something that says, “One day, I might make enough money to live on.”
Certain things are in your hands, and I sincerely hope you do not fuck them up. You’re going to have to decide if you pick your ladyfriend up or if she comes over under her own motivation. I suggest picking her up since that creates the illusion that you control the situation. Guys operate better when they are deluded in such a way. You are also going to have to determine your own personal order of the following events. I present them as I would execute them were I in your unfortunate position.
Once you have picked your lady up from her job, bring her back to your newly clean and deodorized home. You will pour her a glass of wine and put the Lovage CD on repeat.
After you have poured the wine, excuse yourself and head to the bathroom. Light the candles and start drawing a bath. Make it hot, because you may not get back for a few minutes. Add liberal doses of bubble bath. Turn the lights off. This serves a dual purpose: 1) It sets a nice mood; what with the candles providing soft illumination, and 2) It’s harder to see how filthy your bathroom still is with low lighting. Yeah, I know you just “cleaned” it; but you don’t have woman eyes. They can see dirt on the molecular level.
Return to your lady and give her a light shoulder rub.
Note: This is a tricky procedure. Ladies love shoulder rubs, but you must distribute them sparingly. You don’t want to botch it, but you also don’t want to appear to be too good at it. Let’s face it – giving back rubs fucking sucks. If she finds out you’re some kind of powerful-handed back rub guru, you’re going to be doing that shit every day for the rest of your life. Use caution.
While she’s enjoying her wine and making the most of your not-quite-incompetent rubbing, suggest that a hot bath might be a nice thing. Ladies love baths almost as much as they love back rubs. Lead her to the bathroom, help her disrobe and lower her into her Sexy Bath.
Now you can listen to her woman stuff as you rub the scrubby thing all over her. JUST LISTEN – nodding when you think it might be appropriate. A man’s instinct is to solve problems, but that’s not usually what the lady wants. She just wants you to listen. I know this is ridiculous, because why even bring it up if you’re not looking for a solution; but trust me. Just this once, fight every rational and logical instinct in your body and just nod and scrub.
Once the water gets lukewarm, you’re going to want to wrap up the Sexy Bath. Help your girl up and gently towel her off. Gently. You’re not drying off a Great Dane, here. Light rubbing and patting is about as abrasive as you want to get. Help her into the bathrobe and if you’ve done everything exactly as I said, it should be Sexy Time. Lead your lady to the bedroom, lay her on the bed (which you hopefully made for once previous to this), light some candles and put on The Black Album by Prince.
Optional: This might be the time to break out the strawberries and chocolate. Try to get a sense of how hungry your lady is when she arrives. Feeding her some Sexy strawberries at this point might well sustain her until dinner. Use your judgment here, but remember: don’t ever try to fuck a hungry woman.
If you don’t know what to do now, there is nothing I can say that is going to help you.
After several hours of tender lovemaking, excuse yourself and head to the kitchen. It’s time to put out the food. Depending on what you got, warming might be required. Put everything out on the table or bar or whatever you have available in your normally man-oriented abode. DO NOT TURN THE TV ON. 
I should have mentioned this earlier, but you might even want to unplug any televisions you own prior to your rendezvous. This night is all about paying attention to your lady. You can live without SportsTime or Randy’s Deer Hunt or whatever for one night. During your Sexy Dinner you’re going to want to listen to What the World Needs Now: Bacharach Classics.
Now, a lot of people might recommend a candlelight dinner. While you do want lowered lighting, candles are fucking annoying to look at when you’re trying to have a conversation with somebody. Don’t put any on the table - if you can put some nearby that’s fine.
Dinner is going to be a bit trickier than the Sexy Bath. You’re going to have to talk now, but again – refrain from advice. Keep your comments as neutral and as close to, “I understand and love you.” as you can.
It is very likely you will have gone through your first bottle of wine by now. This is good. While your lady certainly appreciated the gentle making of the love earlier, she is probably about ready for some hard fucking IF you have done everything right, which – let’s be honest – is highly unlikely. But in the event that you have successfully executed Phantom Troublemaker’s Sexy Time Plan #4, it’s time to return to the bedroom.
Depending on your style and you lady’s preferences, you’re going to want to either throw her on the bed or lower her forcefully down. Now it’s time to show her you want her. Put on Agogo by KMFDM and get down to business.
Again, if you don’t know what to do here you should just spend the night alone with your XBOX.
After several hours of hard fucking, you may well feel that your plan is complete. Wrong, mister. It’s time to cuddle. That’s right. As much as you may be tempted to throw the condom at her head or wipe your dick on the curtains, you’re not done. You want to fall asleep in each other’s arms. GET AWAY FROM THAT TV!
Note: Even after your Sexy Night is over, DO NOT tell your girl that you got this plan from the internet. It will utterly undo everything you just accomplished.
Until next time, stay Sexy
-Phantom

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