Tuesday, December 14, 2010

WWE 2010 Slammy Awards - LIVE! (but not really)

I like the very not-RAW intro. Even this crappy song is good because it is making this show feel different and special. The stage looks great, too. The voice-over is also good. Punk, Lawler and (blech) Cole are your hosts.

DAVID FUCKING ARQUETTE!!!!!
Wow. His voice is fucked. He looks like Ed Norton's goofy little brother. His promo is awesome, but whatever's wrong with his voice is killing it.
1st Category - Shocker of the Year - Miz winning the title should win. The Nexus probably will.
Yep. Nexus won. Stupid. I really shouldn't let the fake awards of a fake award show for a fake sport bother me so much.
Barrett just claimed Nexus is the most powerful group in the history of Sports Entertainment. Hyperbole, thy name is Wade Barrett.
RAW GM Laptop makes Barret vs. Show a match - NOW! Show stole Barrett's Slammy trophy on the way out. Punk claims this is because Show thinks it's made of chocolate. So is Show a heel due to this theft? He should be. Wade just can't win - he's gonna get booed when he re-hires Cena, too.
I think Barrett just ripped Show's left eyebrow off. FOUL! Match ends when Barrett - as Punk put it - takes his Slammy and goes home. Lousy no-finish.
Despicable Me Award - (Tyson Kidd's friend is huge - and likely useless) Kelly Kelly just PWNED Tyson Kidd. I guess this award is for best heel. Punk or The Miz should win. Vince probably will. He's got to show up tonight and it might as well be for this, I guess. Wow. Miz isn't even a contender.
Holy shit! Punk won!
Despite the beard, Punk looks like a little boy with that haircut. Naturally, Punk uses this opportunity to cut a fantastic and intriguing promo about a mystery person who did him wrong and who he is going to seriously fuck up.
Kofi & Daniel Bryan vs Mr. Ziggles & DiBiase (with his horrible and gay new music) is wonderfully up next! This night is mostly okay so far. I'd rather this be a Fatal 4-Way.
Poor Kofi's the only one out here without a yak. Maybe Bryan can loan him one of the Bellas. If this was 1999 he would. Kofi pins DiBiase after kicking him. It is implied that Kofi gets Brie Bella for the night.
Guest Star Moment Award - that's not it exactly, but whatever. I already know Pee Wee won thanks to Twitter. Vladimir & Santino are out to present. A lot of people think these two are very funny. I am not one of those people. I like Pee Wee and all, but Shatner should have won. And they need to make a CD of him singing the entrance themes.
Nexus is in the back looking doofy. And then Otunga opens his mouth and just keeps sounding like a puss. Which works for him in a weird way. Barrett is cryptic. Between Punk and Barrett, this is Cryptic Night!
I'm going to have to remember to not record Tribute to the Troops this year. It looks horrible.
Mark Henry is out and glistening with Henry Juice. I guess they just straight up lied when they said Sheamus vs Morrison was next. I guess Mizark vs Cody Rhodes is a suitable substitute. In the same way that a turd is a substitute for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Lawler just said Dashing Cody Rhodes' face reminds him of a baboon's ass. Fucking shit - what does Dusty's face remind him of then?
Cody wins with a knee to the spine. Seriously. Things are going downhill.
They really did do a good job with the voice-overs and the "Award Show" production. Reminds me of when the Slammys got their own show.
Holy $#!* Move of the Year Award - Which is funny because they can't even say the name of the fucking award or really reference it in any way. Lawler and Vicki Guerrero make unfunny jokes. I can't hate Vicki, though. Considering she's gone from stay-at-home wife to one of the most memorable new heels of the last five years is amazing.
Oh, Orton's RKO to a mid-450 Evan Bourne should get the Slammy, although Bourne should get it. Naturally, John Cena wins for throwing Batista out of WWE - 4-EVA!
Equally as naturally, Barrett is out to discuss Cena's employment status. He's drawing this out, which is dumb. He calls out Cena, which is fucking stupid because Cena is fired and shouldn't be there at all. I really don't know what's more offensively stupid, this or the crap with Edge on SmackDown.
Nexus is out to watch. I hate Heath Slater so fucking damn much.
Why is Cena's shirt off all of a sudden? And why is he still wearing WWE clothes if he isn't making money off them any longer? Maybe he took the shirt off because he just realized that, too.
Barrett will hire Cena back if Cena faces Otunga tonight and Barrett at the PPV. Now Cena is going to beat up Nexus. Or not, shockingly. They beat Cena up and leave him in the middle of the ring. Somebody should beat up Heath Slater.
WWE Week is next week on USA! Monday RAW, Tuesday SmackDown (!) and Wednesday Tribute to the Troops.
I hate it when they do replays of shit that happened three minutes ago. I am not a goldfish. And now they're recapping fucking awards.
David Arquette is back and he's joined the Flying Elvises! 
And he's opening a theater.
Fan Reaction Award - Well you know it's going to be The Miz Girl. Wow. They made an award just for the Miz Girl. Who Arquette hilariously calls Angry Demon Girl. 
Who is actually here and appears to have the same throat problem as Arquette and who I swear claims her sister is named - and I quote - "Tiger Butter Knife" who I am totally making in the Smackdown game.
And now Miz is out to beat up this little girl. I don't blame him. Where the hell did her dad go? What a pussy. 
Kudos to WWE for picking up on Angry Miz Girl.
I am also making this faction in the game:
RAW General Manager Laptop makes Miz vs Rey Rey for RIGHT NOW!
Rey almost ran into his pyro. He's such a 'Taker wannabe.
Hey, guess what? Gulliver's Travels is a kids movie! It isn't aimed at angry, spiteful internet bloggers, so shut up. I think it looks perfectly acceptable. Can't be worse than Year One, right?
Dammit. This match was good. So of course, WWE had to send SmackDown MVP Alberto Del Rio out to ruin it. Or not - the match is still going. I'm pleasantly surprised. I thought we were getting another no-finish. Miz wins with a roll-up after Del Rio interference. That would have been a very good match without the shenanigans. Why are they protecting Rey more now than they did when he had the title?
RAW GM Laptop makes Orton vs Riley & Arquette. Could be entertaining if it as anybody other than Orton. Imagine if it was The Rock or Austin or even Cena instead... I think I'd rather watch Arquette wrestle a grapefruit.
Speaking of fruit, here's Edge to present - I shit you not - the
Oh, Snap! Award - Edge's new shirt is as stupid as his current storyline. But he does bring Captain Charisma out to help him present, so that's a win. Christian is lucky he's been hurt for the last few months. It's kept him from being on that shitty show.
Swagger referring to Big Show's fingers as fat Vienna sausages is still awesome. I say Swagger wind just for that.
God this song is awful.
I bet Edge wins for beating up the RAW Laptop. And I'm right.
Apparently RAW's new GM is Christian's cell phone. 
Well, no - but it should be.
Michael Cole's reactions to his detractors are always great. Vintage Cole!
2010 King of the Ring Sheamus is out with a new crown. I guess this that match against Morrison that they hyped like four hours ago. Yep. Here's The Moz.
Sheamus slaps the crap out of Moz. This is the best feud of the year and I didn't even realize it was a feud until last week. Apparently it's been going on for months.
Ref calls for a double DQ. Another no-finish.
RAW GM Laptop makes a #1 Contender match for these two hooligans at the PPV. I would have liked a match tonight, but that should be good. Let me know, because I'm sure as hell not ordering it.
Now they're brawling. Only in pro wrestling would somebody think a ladder was the most efficient tool to beat somebody up with. Moz takes a sick bump over the ropes onto the ladder. I'd like to see this match. Maybe I could call Comcast and see if I could just pay, like, four bucks just to watch this one.
If you're not watching Psych, you should be. The Twin Peaks episode was great.
Dear Lord, I have another hour of this.
Knucklehead Moment Award - Regal and JTG (which Mrs. Troublemaker insists stands for "Just Too Gay") are presenting. I think Mae Young beating up Lay Cool should win. Santino & Vladimir dancing probably will. Wow. Lay Cool won. I can't believe how awesome Layla is and how tolerable Michelle "I'm Lovin' Lyfe" McCool is.
Diva if the Year Battle Royal - So do they have to win the match to win the award? Is that fair? I predict the match lasts less than three minutes. I bet that NXT girl wins. Or Vickie. I dunno. It certainly won't be my Close, Personal Not-Friend Gail Kim, so I don't really care.
Natalya's new tights are awful. She's got a kickass discus clothesline though. Crap in a hat. McCool won.
RAW GM Laptop makes Lay Cool vs Beth Phoenix & Natalya in a tables match for the PPV. I'd like to see that one too.
Now we have Edge vs Swagger, which is fine by me. Until the inevitable Kane interference results in a non-finish. You think Christian is keeping an eye on Paul Bearer while Edge is wrestling? I'd like to think he's smart enough to avoid that whole stupid situation entirely. Wow. Edge wins clean with a spear. Or is that Spear?
Miz and Riley are backstage when Arquette shows up to remind us what awesome really is. It 's a shame about his voice. This really would have been a tremendous night for him except for that.
Legendary Moment Award - Big Show is out to remind us that he can speak up to four full sentences at a time. That's five more than Orton.
HBK vs 'Taker should win and probably will. And of course does. Surprisingly, Michaels is via video and not live. He claims he's in hiding so WWE won't make him come back again. Smart move, HBK.
It's 8 AM and I'm exhausted
Orton is walking out for his match and I'm starting to question whether this was all worth it. Thirty minutes left to go. This is what "duh" looks like:
Arquette is wearing what I can only describe as a Chuck Norris/Evil Kinevil karate gi. Which is outstanding.
Punk says he's never heard of Ready To Rumble. Further proof that he's never smoked weed. And Orton just did an Angle Slam. And hit an RKO on Riley and won the match. Shenanigans ensue and Orton puts Arquette through a table after Miz bails. So long, Dewey.
And we have 17 minutes left dammit.
"And I Quote" Award - Cole - naturally - is presenting. Miz should win for his "Seventeen wins from tying Undertaker at WrestleMania" line. I don't know what the hell will win. They just showed like 800 quotes. Cole claims he won. I believe it. I'm sure he has a speech prepared and will get played off. And there you go.
Superstar of the Year Award - Teddy Long is out with ill-fitting pants to present. Miz should win. And isn't even up for the award. Fucking Cena wins. Stupid WWE fans. Although to be honest, he probably has had the most successful year of any of the nominees. I mean, Kane, really? Really?
Sigh. Otunga vs Cena. Barrett is out to talk. "We walk alone" is the stupidest music-related thing since naming a band of three guys "The Lone Rangers".
Shockingly, Cena wins. I don't know how because I just could not pay attention any longer. That and I was posting this article.
Until next time, stay creepy
-Phantom

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