Tuesday, November 2, 2010

NOvember

November is fucking bullshit. It means Halloween is over and Christmas is still a ways off. And honestly, who gives a shit about Thanksgiving? Yeah – I’ll do a post about things I’m thankful for or whatever, but I have never been able to work up a single shred of enthusiasm for this stupid holiday. You have to hang out with your loud, boring relatives and you don’t even get any presents out of it. It should really be called Tolerancegiving.
I’ve been bummed out all day and I finally figured out that this stupid month was to blame.

And turkey. Seriously – does anybody really know how to cook a fucking turkey? I have never had good turkey that didn’t come out of an Oscar Meyer package. Any time you’re eating turkey in its traditional Thanksgiving form it is tough, dry and flavorless. The only decent things about Thanksgiving dinner are the stuffing and the cranberry sauce, and you’ve even got idiots who will fuck those up.
I don’t even know the difference between stuffing and dressing. I think dressing is actually the one I like. It’s whatever can be made with oysters. But if you don’t know what you’re doing, it can be just as dry and unpleasant as the damned turkey.
Cranberry sauce is awesome; unless you get some asshole who has to mash it up instead of just dumping the can on a serving dish and slicing it up like a normal person. Or if – God forbid – you get one of those dumb shits who thinks the stuff from a can isn’t fancy enough and makes some kind of fucking terrible concoction with whole berries and stems and shit in it. I had that one year and I wanted to throw it at a fucking wall.
And then there’s this football bullshit. I am not a sports person. I think that is perfectly reasonable. I don’t expect every person I meet to enjoy horror movies, and I would certainly never schedule a group feeding activity around a Nightmare on Elm Street marathon. I don’t give a fuck if the Raiders are playing the Celtics at 2:00 – noon is a fucking unreasonable time to eat dinner. Especially one that’s going to put you in either a coma or a bathroom for the next ten hours.
Plus, November brings the elections. We get to replace the shit weasels who are running this country into the ground by making a government that is so large and burdensome that we cannot possibly support it (how else can they justify their jobs and their friends’ jobs and their confiscation of our earnings?) with all-new, all-different shit weasels that will dance the same way to a different song. None of those motherfuckers have any idea what it’s like to be a real, contributing citizen of this country.
So there you go. November sucks and the month’s innate shittiness will probably be tainting a lot of my posts.
I bet you wish this was another stupid Top Ten list, don’t you? I do.
Until next time, stay cranky
-Phantom

3 comments:

  1. November used to suck, but then in 1979, God saw how awful it was and thus I was born on the 15th to save it.
    -schweck

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  2. So does that mean we have to wait until halfway through the damn thing for it to get good?

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  3. The football is the best excuse to avoid talking to those annoying family members though.

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