Wednesday, October 20, 2010

31 Days of Halloween - Day 20: Candyman

October is going to be all horror, all the time (unless we’re hanging out with Lil’ Troublemaker; but even then we’ll watch kid-friendly Halloween stuff) and I’m going to give you mini-reviews of every movie I watch rather than churn out more lazy (notice I said “more” – that doesn’t mean I won’t keep re-posting old ones) Top Ten lists.
I always underestimate this movie. My brain tends to lump it in with all of the other slasher flicks (not that I don’t love those), but Candyman is much more than just a horror flick. I mean, Phillip Glass did the score - People Under the Stairs this ain’t.
Virginia Madsen plays a reporter who wants to do an article that shines a light on urban plight or some bullshit. Being a stupid white upper-middle-class liberal with no sense of reality whatsoever, she goes down to the projects to look for a story. It is there that she learns about the Urban Myth of…
CANDYMAN!
           Who is the vengeful ghost of a slave that made himself wealthy and diddled a white woman. Since this was before the era where athletes and comedians do that sort of thing all the time, the townsfolk didn’t take too well to him and cut his hand off and stuck a meat hook in the stump, made bees eat him and then set the whole mess on fire. This doesn’t seem terribly fair to the bees, much less to poor ol’ Candyman.
Being killed in such a mean and, quite frankly weird, fashion turns Candyman into a ghost. As he sees it, the best way to get his revenge is to wait for somebody to look into a mirror and say his name five times. Then he shows up and pulls their guts out through their assholes. I can see how this makes him feel better about the whole immolation thing.
Anyway, Intrepid Reporter learns all about the Candyman legend and then goes to visit a public restroom with bees all up in one of the toilets. This is where she gets her white ass beat nearly to death by a pimp cashing in on the whole Candyman thing by carrying around a hook and calling himself Candyman. They don’t come right out and say she was raped, too; but come on, folks. Honestly, the worst part had to be laying on the floor in that fucking ghetto-ass bathroom.
Heedless of Fake Candyman’s friendly warning that maybe she shouldn’t venture back into the ‘hood, Intrepid Reporter returns and befriends some poor Victim of Circumstance. They talk about life and shit.
After that, Intrepid Reporter meets Candyman and he gives her a big ‘ol bee kiss.
Later, Intrepid Reporter is getting drunk with her Sassy Black Friend and they decide to say “Candyman” five times into the mirror, only Sassy Black Friend stops after the fourth time because she isn’t a fucking retard.
Unlike everybody else who has taken the Candyman challenge, Intrepid Reporter doesn’t get gutted right away. The only reason for this seems to be that the movie would then have had to end about forty-eight minutes sooner. Actually, the reason is that Candyman has a big ol’ high hard-on for Intrepid Reporter (real Candyman – Fake Candyman clearly took care of that already).
The rest of the movie is all about Candyman wooing Intrepid Reporter with sweet little gestures like beheading her friends’ dog and framing her for it, stealing her friends’ baby and framing her for it and straight up murdering Sassy Black Friend and - guess what? – framing her for it.
Eventually this starts to break Intrepid Reporter’s resolve, so she heads back down to crack town. She crawls through a hole in a wall somewhere and meets Candyman in person and he tells her all about his tragic past. For some reason he is so totally into Intrepid Reporter and he just wants to share some time with her and look, he wrote this poem about how pretty her hair is in the sunlight.
She rightly screams and takes off and gets arrested for killing Sassy Black Friend. Even her husband thinks she’s off her nut. Since police are stupid she is able to escape custody and – surprise, surprise! – go back downtown. All of them miserably poor ethnic types are so fucking sick of seeing Intrepid Reporter’s snooty bitch ass running around their quiet little ghetto stirring shit up, so they build a giant pyre and stick an infant in there to lure her stupid ass inside.
Once she’s crawled through the surprisingly clean pile of rubbish, Intrepid Reporter finds the sweet baby center. Then Candyman jumps out and say, “Boo! Gotcha, bitch!” and she grabs the baby and crawls ass outta there. The ghetto folk hear her escaping, so they quickly throw a bunch of torches on the pile. Intrepid Reporter gets burned like mad, but manages to crawl out with the baby before expiring.
The ghetto folk are all like, “Double coupon! We killed that annoying bitch and got that baby back! Whose is this, anyway?”
Later on, we see Intrepid Reporter’s husband making dinner for some little tramp with fantastic titties. This kind of messes up the whole end of the movie, and I’ll tell you why in a minute.
So Hubby goes into the bathroom and – presumably in some sort of anguish over losing his annoying wife – says her name in the mirror… FIVE TIMES!
The lights go out, and when they come back up, Intrepid Reporter is standing there looking like Cabbage Head from Kids in the Hall, 
only with hamburger instead of cabbage and she pulls out a hook and the scene cuts to Titties McGee. Naturally, she opens the bathroom door and sees Hubby laying in the tub all gutted. The end.
My problem with that closing scene is that Titties McGee is wearing a basically see-through shirt. It’s pretty awesome, and kind of distracts from the drama of Hubby getting his severe come-uppance. You’re all like, “Wow, that’s crazy! Can we see those nice titties again?” A pair of nice titties just softens the blow from pretty much anything, you know?


Until next time, stay creepy
-Phantom





2 comments:

  1. this is fucking scary

    ReplyDelete
  2. The movie? The review? The titties? More specificity, please!

    ReplyDelete