Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Vintage Troublemaker: DCW 2009

Here's an excerpt from part of last year's Dragon*Con articles. This is my favorite, but I might post more if I need extra Dragon*Con-related material. It looks like I'm in pretty good shape, but I like to have back-ups ready to go. I don't know what's up with the goofy formatting.



Job one was to get a beer. Miller Lite served me well for most of the weekend. After a quick stop at one of the Hyatt’s courtesy bars, I went into the Centennial Ballroom to watch some ass-whoopings. Job two was to find the guys. Gnoll texted me that they were behind the ring. Now, normally, I don’t accept texts; but this was a special occasion. I found Gnoll, Schweck, Jay and Hoffman and had myself a seat.

Dragon*Con wrestling is not exactly the top tier of sports entertainment. Consequences Creed was the biggest name there, and he came off like the fucking Rock compared to the rest of those guys. Most of them put forth a fair effort, though. There were even a couple of matches that I would call “really good”. I don’t want to give a full recap of four hours of bush league wrestling, but here are some of the high points:
    They inducted Iron Sheik, Demolition and Raven (who pretty much only showed up for this one event all weekend, despite being listed as a guest. I even had an issue of Spider-Man he wrote that I wanted him to sign, but I wasn’t going to give the prick any money for it) into the Dragon*Con Wrestling Hall of Fame or something. Sheik was disappointingly coherent.
    Pete showed up and bonded with Clown Sting.
    Some crazy girl that apparently lives close to us made everything slightly more entertaining by yelling a lot .
    I got a lot of laughs for some of the stuff I yelled. I don’t remember any of it.
    A lot of the wrestlers seemed to be doing gay gimmicks.
    I was the only person in the room who had never heard this “On A Boat” thing. One of the tag teams used it as their entrance music.
    Schweck almost got his ass beat for trying to steal a cereal box that was later used as a weapon. I think he was just looking out for the wrestlers’ safety.
    Schweck, Pete and Jay almost got their asses beat for getting in the ring after it was over.
    I couldn’t tell you who won any of the matches, but I know Todd won the Dragon’s Cup.
    Some fat goth named Azalea is a bitch.
    It is entirely possible that this guy Pete and I used to work with might have been one of the managers. I couldn’t tell because there were no underage girls around for him to molest.
We ended up staying for the whole four hours, which I have never managed before. There is something to be said for doing things with your friends. I got my favorite picture from the whole weekend in the lobby outside the ballroom. No photography, my ass.



After DCW, we headed over to the Marriot to drink more and watch people.
I think our original intent was to head up to the top atrium level, but we ended up getting a pretty good show just hanging out in the front of the lobby. Pete went very quickly from “You know, I kind of like those steampunk folks,” to “I can’t stand those steampunk fucks.” I think it was all the goggles that did it. His recurring gag was to tell passing steampunk people “I love your goggles, dickhead.” But without actually saying “dickhead”, just implying it. Pete is very good at implication. He also got off a lot of “I see what you did there,” to people with made up or cross-genre costumes. I couldn’t really laugh at that too much since I would be wearing one of those costumes tomorrow. Later on Pete just started touching people. His goggle comments did come back to haunt him, though. One steampunker with a fucking butterfly net came over as a result of Pete’s comment and, in a bizarre turn of events, started hitting on Pete’s fiancée.


I don’t know why the guy was hitting on a chick. He obviously liked the cock. Maybe he thought he could get to Pete through her. Anyway, he wisely left just shy of Pete’s foot going up his ass.
Gnoll got to have fun, too, as there was some guy who had dressed up as him. Unfortunately that guy was drinking the Schnappster, but we all have our faults.



I know we ended up on the top level at some point, but I’m not sure how we got there. Schweck wandered off in a drunken stupor – as is his wont – while Jay and Hoffman retired for the night. Eventually Pete and Gnoll took off, leaving me to my own devices. AND IT WAS ONLY MIDNIGHT! Sometime around this point I bore witness to a breakdance contest between Yoshi, Black Spider-Man and some Asian guy. I know this sounds like a hallucination, but I have video to prove it. Unfortunately, I was unable to capture Yoshi’s amazing backflip off of the wall.
I knew I wanted to see Doc Hammer’s band, Weep, so I headed to the room they were playing in. This room was fortunately in the Marriot or I might not have made it. There was a huge line waiting to get in. Schweck stumbled up at one point, ready to party, and we both agreed we’d just come back when the line was gone. I have no idea what happened to him then. After the line died down I went inside and found only a few rows of people standing at the front. After what seemed like an interminable sound check (something I have very little tolerance for) Weep finally started playing and were barely adequate.



Well, I guess they weren’t adequate, since I left after one song. They weren’t that bad or anything, I just wasn’t into them. Schweck was wandering around outside. I informed him that everybody else had ditched out and we were the last two standing. Then I set off to find some ibuprofen, which ended up with me just going back to the room and crashing.



This was about 2:30 AM. It was going to be rough getting up in the morning.

Until next time, stay creepy
-Phantom

Until next time, stay creepy
-Phantom

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