Wednesday, June 16, 2010

He-Man Versus Superman: The Comic Book


This was originally part of yesterday's article since it is included with the set, but I liked this review so much I thought I could get away with splitting them up and making two days' worth of content. Plus, it works for my new "Comics on Wednesday" thing.

This thing is crazy as hell and doesn’t make a lick of sense.


Prince Adam is strong as fuck, picking up training robots and tying weights in knots and stuff, but nobody knows he’s He-Man. I guess because nobody on Eternia believes He-Man would ever wear fuchsia suspender panties with a blue pirate shirt. Thankfully, Orko is nowhere to be found in this comic.


Superman – on a routine patrol through Metropolis – spots a bizarre cloud in the sky and just flies right into it without being cautious or anything. I mean, he’s Superman, right? Fuck that cloud! Except that this magical cloud was created by Skeletor whacking the gate of Castle Greyskull with his half of the Power Sword. Clearly Skeletor should have known that a magic cloud that bridges dimensions and kidnaps flying men in red under(over)pants would result from his thoughtless deed.

Did I mention that the cloud is magic? Good. Because the comic does, too. In one of eight-hundred-and sixty-two references to Superman’s vulnerability to magic.

Skeletor assumes that Supes is some sort of defender sent by Grayskull to whoop his ass, then Superman is surprised when Skeletor tries to slice him open with the Power Sword:


I can’t decide if this is supreme arrogance or abject ignorance on Superman’s part. He doesn’t know why anybody would think a sword would work on him. Hey, Kal-El; sorry to burst your bubble, champ, but maybe not everybody in the universe has heard of you. Or maybe there’s some kryptonite in that sword. Or maybe it’s made of some crazy new metal that can cut your face off. Did you ever think of that, you cocky asshole? I mean, you did just get straight up jacked by a fucking cloud – maybe a little caution would be in order after that? 

Anyway, Skeletor figures out that this new guy is susceptible to magic (since Skeletor is roughly eleventy-billion times smarter than Superman, which still only qualifies him as not-quite-a-moron) and blasts the fuck out of him.

Meanwhile, Prince Adam, dressed like a reject from a Madonna video (or for you younger folks a Lady Gaga video) is starting shit in a pub with one of the local shitkickers. Like, really provoking this guy. I like to think this is how Adam spends his free time. He goes to random pubs, finds some sorry working class slob, starts some shit, lures the guy outside into some alley, then turns into He-Man and fucking pulverizes him.


That’s kind of what this comic leads me to believe, anyway.

Luckily for Mr. Blue-Collar Eternian, something signals Prince Douchebag that trouble is afoot. He meets up with the sorceress (who looks exactly like Teela and lives in a cave like some kind of homeless person) and she tells him that Skeletor is attacking Castle Greyskull. Again. Adam sighs, turns himself into He-Man and Cringer into Battle Cat and takes off.

He-Man arrives as Superman is getting blasted out of the air. They decide to have a Super-Strong-Dude Team-Up and take out Skeletor, but Skeletor uses his MAGIC Power Sword to take control of Superman and make him fight He-Man for like, two panels.


Then Superman uses his Silver Age Super “turn the ground into some kind of restraining device” Vision to trap Skeletor before the Master of Evil can make him bust into Castle Grayskull.

Skeletor breaks free of this unlikely confinement, but before he can take over Superman’s weak and feeble brain again, the Last Kryptonian snatches him up into the air, where Skeletor promptly vanishes.

He-Man – “Oh, yeah. He does that all the time. Let’s be friends!”

And then Superman just flies home. Seriously.


Oh yeah, Beast-Man and Man-At-Arms are in this too. They do stuff.

Study question: Does Eternia have the exact same yellow sun as Earth, or what? 


24 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks, man. I need to find more stuff like this. Also, I don't know how the comments on this article escaped my attention for so long.

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  2. Someone told me that there was a He Man vs Superman comic out there, so I went looking on the interwebs and came across this. I've spent the last 5 minutes giggling.

    Thanks for the review.

    PJW

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    1. Apparently there are a couple more. I really want to read them if they're as bugfuck nuts as this one.

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  3. This article is awesome. and hi-larious. when i was a kid, i had a he-man comic i think where it was i think the death of heman. the whole book was prince adam. there also were alternate prince adams and even one was big and muscle-y like the hulk. i dont think he-man was anywhere in the book, it wasjust adam.he was tired of he-man gettin all the glory i think. have u all heard of this issue?? thanks again and the article was great.
    Justin

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    1. I will do my best to track that one down, because it sounds review worthy.

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  4. Thats funny, id love to read the comic!

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    1. You should be able to get it for cheap. It's well worth your time to find. Just go to a local con.

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  5. LMAO! Nice review, you had me cracking up.

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  6. Replies
    1. I'd love to do more like this if time permits. Thanks to whoever is sending all you new folks this way!

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  7. nice but can u do a serious review of he-man vs superman? 2 panels is just not conclusive...my money's on he-man

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    1. Honestly, I don't think I'm capable of a serious review of anything. And that is actually how the comic ended. Now, if you're asking for me to give you my own personal take on how that conflict would go... maybe I will someday.

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  8. Very, very good stuff. With all the shit in my life at the moment it is great to come across some stuff that is just pure fun.

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    1. Thanks, man. I try to keep everything here pure fun. If I took anybody's mind off of their shitty problems for even a few minutes then I feel pretty damned good about that.
      The whole reason I started this thing was to take my mind off of my shitty job.

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  9. ROFL@ the dialogue. did they even try xD. srsly i LOLD.

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    1. Heh. All I can say is that the 80's were a different time.

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  10. that shit was funny as hell! have you do.e anymore reviews?

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    1. I'm not sure how to answer this, as there are 846 posts on Needless Things and most of them are reviews. Is there something specific you're looking for?

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  11. Gracias por este artículo, fue algo muy interesando e inesperado.
    No me imaginaba que algo así existiera.

    The only comic that I have ever read was "Red Son" (Superman, but you probably knew that)

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    1. You're welcome! I still haven't read Red Son.

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  12. The most fascinating thing I've found about this comic is that the artist is Curt Swan, the classic Superman artist. It's amazing to me that they actually used his talents on something like this. Typically, at least in my experience, the one-shots go to the artist pool rather than a star artist.

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    1. Back in the 70s and early 80s it wasn't uncommon for the regular artists to work on licensed projects. Things have changed now that artists and writers turn into rock stars as soon as they have a breakout title. Back then the folks making funnybooks were working men.

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