Friday, June 18, 2010

Father's Day Special: The Greatest Dads


I had nothing to post yesterday (Thursday to you, Wednesday to me). Wednesday (yesterday) was the Day From Hell (trademark Richard Lewis) and left me very little time for sleep, let alone writing. I also haven’t heard back from Jeffistopheles yet about my broken thumb drive, so I have no backup material short of cutting and pasting from the old MySpace blog; which still takes time. Time that just was not available yesterday.

Today (Thursday), however, is my Friday. By the time you read this it will be your Friday. Isn’t it neat how that works out?

Sorry. Anyway, I really wanted to do something for Father’s Day. My original idea was to do a top ten list of father-related movies, but I tried to start yesterday and it just didn’t work out. This was more due to my frame of mind and the incessant demands of a busy work day than a poor choice of subject matter, but I find that once a subject has confounded me it is usually best to just drop it and come back later.

So here, instead, is a list of awesome dads; in no particular order.
Gregory Peck

Between his performances as Atticus Finch (the greatest name of all time) in To Kill A Mockingbird and Sam Bowden in Cape Fear, Gregory Peck is a pretty awesome movie dad. He’s a big guy who is protective of his family and has a speaking voice that commands attention and respect. He is the seminal father figure. It occurs to me that that wording, while appropriate, is kind of gross.
Bonus – Gregory Peck is not Nick Nolte.


Heathcliff Huxtable

Since I’m not ordering this list, I think it’s okay to put my favorite media dad ever right here. Not only was Mr. Huxtable a great dad who managed time for all eighty-seven of his children, their spouses and his grandchildren; he was a riot. I defy anybody to watch the Cosby Show and not want to be a part of the Huxtable family. I’d even do one of those goofy opening credits dances.
Bonus – Mr. Huxtable is a doctor and Mrs. Huxtable is a lawyer (they’re loaded).


John Matrix

Arnold Schwarzenegger is absolutely the last daddy you want to fuck with. When assholes kidnapped his daughter back in 1986, he hunted them down and murdered every single one of them in various and sundry ways.
Bonus – Mr. Matrix would be a blast to play Frisbee with. His aim is so good he murdered a guy by throwing a saw blade at his head.


Doc Horror

While not a traditional father, Doctor Nicodemus Horror would be a totally awesome dad. A master of science and the supernatural, his genius is overshadowed only by his love for his daughter, Evening. The father/daughter team – along with their adopted family of freaks – battle evil and explore the underworld in Dan Brereton’s Nocturnals comic books.
Bonus – As his kid, not only is your last name “Horror”, but you have a dual-wielding scarecrow zombie as your personal bodyguard.


Luke Skywalker

While the Luke Skywalker we all know from The Trilogy is kind of a whiny ass, the novels that pick up on events that occur after the Battle of Endor expand greatly on his character and growth as a human being and Jedi. He eventually becomes a father, and a darn good one. Granted, he would have to try pretty hard to do worse than his own dad; but Mr. Skywalker is very conscious of his fatherly responsibilities. His son, Ben, is developing into not only a powerful Jedi but a great character, as well.
Bonus – Mr. Skywalker’s offspring are pretty much guaranteed to be badass Jedi.


Big Tom Callahan

Big Tom probably had the briefest appearance of anybody on this list, but he might have been the most fun to have as a dad. This guy was rich and knew how to party. Granted, he was apparently kind of a chump and not all that healthy; but he’d be a blast right up until the end.
Bonus – Brothers gotta hug.


Dr. Benton C. Quest

While Child Protective Services might not approve of the environment Dr. Quest’s son Jonny was raised in, holy shit - that kid had a dream life. He gets crazy new adventures every day, has a moral, decisive dad who is one of the top three scientists in the world; and he gets to hang around with his best friend and his dog all the time.
Bonus – “Happy Birthday, son! Here’s your new hover-scooter! Now let’s go to Brazil!”


Adam West as Bruce Wayne

I want to make it absolutely clear that I am talking about Adam West’s TV Bruce Wayne, not any other Bruce Wayne that has ever been portrayed. They would be terrible fathers. Mr. West’s Mr. Wayne, on the other hand, is a happy-go-lucky bachelor who oversees his ward’s education, fitness and well-being. His social activities also happen to include fighting crime, having awesome gadgets and hanging out with lots – LOTS – of chicks in glittery, skin-tight spandex.
Bonus – Any younger Waynes – adopted or otherwise – would learn “The Batusi” from the master.


John Winchester

Okay, so maybe Sam and Dean had kind of shitty lives. But their dad was enough of a go-getter to take them on a family trip so everybody could learn how to hunt and kill monsters! Of course, this was after their mother had been burned alive on the ceiling by a demon, but you do what you can. Mr. Winchester always took care of his boys and taught them how to take care of each other. Well, except for his other son – he left him out of the road trip and as a result poor ol’ Adam got kidnapped by angels and then possessed by Michael the Archangel.
Bonus – Junior Winchesters inherit his sweet Impala.


Noah MacManus

Imagine having the Irish equivalent of the Saint of Killers as your dad. Now imagine all you do is travel around and kill bad guys all day long.
Bonus – Members of the MacManus family have exclusive rights to recite the only prayer in cinema history that is cooler than Samuel L. Jackson’s from Pulp Fiction.


El Santo

Speaking of Saints, you could have a Mexican superhero for a father. El Santo was not only the greatest wrestler in all of Mexico, he was also the most well-known person in the country. The silver-masked grappler starred in over a hundred motion pictures, saving the world from vampire women, aliens and werewolves time and time again. He passed his mask and his legacy down to his beloved son, El Hijo del Santo (The Son of the Saint).
Bonus – Dad already beat up most of Mexico’s supply of monsters, so your life would mostly entail sitting around the pool in your mask, surrounded by caliente senoritas.


Zandor

As leader of the Herculoids and protector of the planet Amzot (or Quasar, depending on who you ask), Zandor is a massively powerful dude and commands the loyalty of five of the goofiest damn creatures you’ve ever seen. To a kid, though, those creatures are pretty badass. Zandor’s son gets to play with all of them while simultaneously saving the world.
Bonus – Nobody on Amzot has to wear pants.


Jacob Fuller

I’m a mean mother(mumbling) man of God!”
Yeah, Mr. Fuller got turned into a lapdog of Satan; but he died fighting off vampirism and protecting his kids. What more could you ask?
Bonus – Sweet RV.


Noah Levenstein

A bit more genteel than the other Noah I mentioned, Jim’s dad is probably the most grounded of all the dads on this list. He’s a sweet guy who loves his son and just wants him to be happy. He has the standard not-quite-useful advice of any good-natured dad. He also has the most magnificent eyebrows ever captured on film.
Bonus – Apparent lack of need to hide your porn.


Clark W. Griswold

Just as crossing your hands under your throat is the universal symbol for choking, Mr. Griswold is the universal symbol of fatherhood. No other cinematic patriarch captures the spirit of being Dad better than Chevy Chase. His portrayal of Mr. Griswold as the man who is constantly giving 100 percent and constantly receiving about 60 perfectly summarizes being Dad.
Bonus – great vacations.


Papa Smurf

The guy has something like two hundred kids, yet still manages to make time to listen to each of their bullshit problems, and with a concerned smile on his face. I think the sarsaparilla gets him by.
Bonus – None. You’d be three apples high and blue and live in a mushroom. Your life kind of sucks.
On a side note - do not ever, ever search Google for an image of Papa Smurf. I had to take three showers.

I hope you enjoyed today’s entry. If everything went according to plan, I took Mrs. Troublemaker to see the Tone Deaf Pig-Dogs play at the Clermont Lounge last night and we are currently watching Toy Story 3 with Lil’ Troublemaker – his first movie in a theater.

Also, I was censored by Mattycollector on Wednesday and am trying to decide what course of action to take.

Find out about all of these things and more – NEXT WEEK!

Happy Father’s Day!

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