Saturday, March 6, 2010

My Oscar Picks


Oscar Picks

Well, it’s Academy Awards time again and, as always, I couldn’t care less. Yeah, this year boasts more nominations of non-gay movies than any year I can remember, but it is still pretty much a list of movies I don’t care about. I can’t go into all the detail that Gnoll did and I definitely haven’t seen all of the movies nominated, but here are my Oscar picks, with no regard whatsoever for what those ball-sucking Hollywood she-males nominated:
Best MovieDistrict 9
I liked Star Trek more, but District 9 was the best movie that came out last year. I think it is the one that we’ll all look back to as a watershed movie (whatever the hell that means) and be talking about for years to come.

Best Director – J.J. Abrams – Star Trek
The guy made a perfect movie. How often does that happen? Yeah, District 9 was amazing, but Star Trek is the one I’ll watch several times a year pretty much forever. Zombieland was also practically perfect in every way, but just not quite as awe-inspiring as Trek.

Best Screenplay – Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman – Star Trek
These are the guys who wrote that perfect movie. They updated one of the most iconic franchise in the history of entertainment without pissing anybody off. Quite frankly, I think somebody should give these guys an island or something just for that.

Best Actor – Sharlto Copley – District 9
This guy was fucking outstanding, and I don’t mean for somebody who has never acted, I mean for anybody. 
 
Best Actress – Jessica Biel – Powder Blue
There was not a single performance in 2009 that captivated me more than this one. I literally could not take my eyes off of Ms. Biel’s fine… acting. As a matter of fact, I think she gets Best Acting Person Overall for the year.

Best Supporting Actor – Cristoph Waltz – Inglourious Basterds
Speaking of performances you couldn’t take your eyes off of, this guy was amazing. Pretty much everybody in the world thought he was great, so this one’s a no-brainer.

Best Supporting Actress - Abigail Breslin – Zombieland
She wins for being a kid that I didn’t hate. As a matter of fact, she was a pretty enjoyable part of the movie. That is very unusual.

Best Score – Mike Patton – Crank: High Voltage
I haven’t actually seen this movie, but it’s Mike fucking Patton.

Best ComedyObserve & Report
This was one fucked up movie. There’s nothing I can write here that hasn’t been written before, so I’ll just say that Observe & Report made me laugh more than The Hangover.

Best Horror FlickZombieland

Just about perfect. Gruesome deaths, zombies, [SPOILER ALERT] Bill Murray [SPOILER ALERT].

Best ExplosionsInglourious Basterds
Trek would have won, since they destroyed a whole fucking planet, but technically that was an implosion. This one wins for that theater scene where Eli Roth shoots the fuck out of Hitler.

Best EndingJennifer’s Body
I did not see that shit coming.

Best DocumentaryTyson
When I first heard about this one, I thought there was no way I would make it through an hour and a half of this guy. After a guy at work recommended it to me, I watched it OnDemand one night and wished it was about four hours longer. Mike Tyson is one seriously fucked up individual. This is the most fascinating documentary I’ve ever seen. Of course, that isn’t saying much because I really don’t watch documentaries. I think the last one I saw was Super-Size Me. Unless you count Doug Benson’s Super-High Me, which is really good but I don’t think qualifies as a movie.

Best Adaptation of a Toy LineGI Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Admittedly, this was a limited category. I pretty much just wanted to point out how much more awesome GI Joe was than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. This one would have been a lot closer without Skids and Mudflap.

Best Animated MovieUp
I don’t normally like movies that make me cry five times in ninety minutes, but Up was just really, really good. Of course, it is Pixar.

Best Movie With a Director Stupid Enough to Leave Phantom Troublemaker Out of a Scene Involving an Event Called “Phantom Jam”Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2
Seriously. What the fuck was that guy thinking?

Best Reason to Have Stephen Segal Cockpunch Hugh JackmanX-Men Origins: Wolverine
I believe this was the worst fucking movie I saw in the theater this year. What a shameful embarrassment.

Best Movie I Have Trouble Admitting I Haven’t Seen Yet - Avatar
I don’t have five fucking hours to go to the theater! Back the fuck off! I’ll see it someday…

Best Movie With A Sex Scene In A Totally Inappropriate Place That Gets Interrupted By A ZombieDead Snow
I can’t believe what happened really happened. I honestly thought I was going to see an on-screen blumpkin, and that is not okay.

Until next time, stay creepy
-Phantom

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